Thursday, May 27, 2010

How Are We Doing?

Through a 23-year military career and another 14 years in corporate America, I've seen just about every new management fad. I've survived "Total Quality Management," "Zero Defects," "Management by Objectives," "Do This or Get Fired," and everything in between. Everybody has an idea about how to improve management, and some of those are organized enough to turn their ideas into a system - complete with books, charts, CDs and DVDs, and facilitated seminars. Those smart people make a killing, their systems are implemented by unsuspecting companies with much hoo-hah ... and in a few years, we move on to the next fad.

Everybody is getting in on the management improvement act. To prove it, here is a copy of God's Quality Management Survey. Answer well. Look what happened to the Egyptians...

God's Quality Management Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

[ ] Newspaper
[ ] Television
[ ] Bible
[ ] Torah
[ ] Koran
[ ] Other Book
[ ] Divine Inspiration
[ ] Near Death Experience
[ ] Burning Bush
[ ] Strange Fellow Shouting on a Street Corner
[ ] Other (specify): ________________

2. To which deity do you generally appeal:

[ ] God
[ ] Allah
[ ] Yahweh
[ ] Great Spirit
[ ] Other
[ ] No opinion

3. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

[ ] Tarot
[ ] Lottery
[ ] Horoscope
[ ] Television (not including Oprah)
[ ] Oprah
[ ] Fortune cookies
[ ] Self-help books
[ ] Sex
[ ] Biorhythms
[ ] Alcohol or drugs
[ ] Mantra Chanting
[ ] Insurance policies
[ ] Other: __________________
[ ] None

4. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (check one)?

[ ] More Divine Intervention
[ ] Less Divine Intervention
[ ] Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
[ ] Don't know

5. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war) 1 2 3 4 5
Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets) 1 2 3 4 5

6. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?

Be sure to fill out your questionnaire and return it promptly. The Almighty thanks you for your interest.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.



The Mistress of the Dark said...

I want to see the address this needs to be returned to :)

Anonymous said...

I bet nobody volunteers to hand deliver their completed survey!

Eminence Grise

Mike said...

I tried to answer the questionaire but I couldn't click on anything and now no one will know my answers. Thank God!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Excellent. Bizarrely close to many other forms.

Claudia said...

Mom, God, Mike, Current are my answers with a "recuse myself" on Nos. 5 and 6. We professional clergy hedge our bets on evaluating the Big Woman Upstairs.