Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Signs of the Corporate Zodiac

Many people believe that astrology reveals truths about you and your future by analyzing the positions of the stars and planets on your birthday and relating them to one of twelve astrological signs. I, for example, was born under the sign of "Maternity." The Chinese Zodiac does roughly the same thing, but uses the year of your birth and its relation to a particular animal ... members of Congress, for example, tend to be born in the Year of the Sloth. The signs of the Corporate Zodiac, however, are based on job titles ...

Marketing: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now.

Sales: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree,” you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you prefer to avoid contact with customers so you can “concentrate on the big picture.” You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

Technology: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even you don't understand what you are talking about, but who can tell?

Engineering: One of only two signs that is actually studied in school. Ninety percent of all desperate personal ads are placed by engineers, and everyone knows what is really causing your carpal tunnel problem.

Accounting: The only other sign that is studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics, and tend to be the most feared person in the organization because you actually understand the columns of figures that govern the health of the business and are able to interpret them to show either profit or loss, depending on your selection of accounting techniques on any given day.

Human Resources: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter.

Management Information Systems: Tormented, ironically, by your job title, you straddle the world of management and systems, being part of neither and possessing no information that anyone really wants. You ended up in this job because you couldn't get into engineering school; your task, quite simply, is to "fix that damn thing before I throw it out the window!" You're quite happy being tucked into the corner of the office, huddled over ten tiny screens filled with information but unable to speak in complete sentences, and you are happy because you don't have to wear a suit. You are most likely to lose your job because you spend too much time in chat rooms and the woman you met there turned out to be your boss' daughter.

Middle Manager: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other Middle Managers, as everyone in your social circle is a Middle Manager.

Senior Manager: You tend to measure your worth by the increase in corporate profitability you can generate by cutting back on staff and reducing the pay and benefits of those who remain. Most likely to be murdered by a middle manager who wants your job.

Customer Service: Bright, cheery, and positive, yet hopelessly masochistic, you are mistrusted by everyone within the organization. Very few children ask their parents for a little cubicle and a headset so they can play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for advancement, your best bet for promotion is to sleep with your manager.

Just a thought as you, like me, head off for work this morning.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

4 comments:

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

Well shit - i own my own company and I am all of these. I'm a mess aren't I? Gee thanks

Mike said...

I thought the engineering thing was a secret. I guess not.

Raquel's World said...

Umm I disagree.

Banister said...

With the boyfriend still in Bethlehem and me sweating in Baltimore, the carpal tunnel problem is all too real. At least for this nascent engineer.