Bilbo Wins (and Redistributes) the Superior Scribbler Award!

I was pleasantly surprised yesterday to discover that I had been presented with a blogging award by Melissa B, The Scholastic Scribe. This is my coveted "Superior Scribbler Award":

Because Melissa is a high school journalism teacher, I must assume that this means she has chosen to overlook my occasional leaps of logic, typos, and general orneriness in making her generous decision to bestow this award. There are, however, a few rules and obligations which came with it:

1. I must pass it on to five other deserving bloggers (see below);
2. I must link to the author and to the name of the blog from whom I received the award (see above);
3. I must display the award on my blog and link to Melissa's post which explains said award (see my "honor roll" to the left, and the link above);
4. I had to add my name to the "Mr Linky List" (which I did, after figuring out what the #%$! a "Mr Linky List" was); and finally,
5. I had to post the rules on my blog (see 1-4 above, and reread this line).

Whew. Now I'm tired.

Thanks, Melissa, for the award, which I now pass on to the following five entertaining recipients who must now spend part of their day complying with your rules (although, knowing some of these people's approach to things, I can't vouch for the compliance rate)...

1. Amanda and The Milk Bar. Amanda is a stay-at-home mom whose blog documents her adventures in raising a dynamic two-year-old and her travels around Indonesia, Australia, and Malaysia. She takes great pictures and writes very funny and perceptive posts. And she writes a mean snail-mail letter, too.

2. Lacochran at lacochran's bloggery. The fact that she's decided, after we carried on a long-running disagreement, that I'll never change (don't hold yer breath on that one) doesn't change the fact that she writes very clever and entertaining posts...and makes the best use of endnotes of any blogger I've yet run across.

3. Gilahi at The Gilahi Blog. The self-described "aging hippie" with whom I sometimes philosophically disagree, but who writes some very good stuff. If you aren't laughing until tears roll down your cheeks at his descriptions of performing jury duty (Part 1 and Part 2) and of painting the ceiling, you need to check your pulse. You da man!

4. Zipcode at Capitol Hill 20210. A lady I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of (she owns multiple weapons - including a shotgun - and pals around with beefy law-enforcement types), but who always serves up entertaining and interesting observations. And I stand in awe of her ability to generate descriptive new terms for morons: who else uses terms like "assmidget"?

And, finally,

5. The Green Canary. A one-woman soap opera whose lengthy descriptions of dating woes and driving difficulties are the stuff of legend. Hope things continue to work out with Mr Mystery...

Well, there you go. Five new recipients of the Superior Scribbler Award. Don't forget that, while I've passed it on to you, the ultimate owner is a real teacher who will march down the aisle and smack your knuckles with a ruler if you don't live by the rules. I know about these things...I went to a Catholic grade school back when the nuns wore habits and believed in corporal punishment!

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Facts and Confessions

Back on Friday, fiona tagged me with a meme that's been zipping around the blogosphere. Normally, I don't reply to memes because they tend to make blogging a worse time sink than it already is, but since fiona is new to my group of followers...and since I have a few minutes before I have to get Agnes up for breakfast, I'll make an exception and take on her meme.

The rules are:
1. Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blog.
4. Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

I'll do 1 and 2, but I'll take a pass on tagging anyone else, partly because all the people I'd care to tag have already been tagged by fiona or lacochran, and partly because I'm just an ornery, rule-breaking bazoo of the first order.

Okay, you asked for it...

Seven Facts About Bilbo, Some Random, Some Weird

1. I will read anything, anywhere. There is not a single room in our house that is not piled with books, and one of the four chairs at our kitchen table is usually heaped with books and magazines. When I go to the rest room at work, if I don't have something to read while I'm on the throne, I'll look for a stall that has abandoned newspapers in it.

2. I love ballroom dancing, but am woefully uncoordinated. This means (1) it takes me forever to learn new patterns and routines; and (2) I hate to practice because I get frustrated easily.

3. I think it's very sexy for a woman to have hairy arms.

4. I hate to feel messy, although looking messy is okay. I can't stand to have sticky, sweaty, or otherwise yucky hands or face (tough, when your grandchild is a toddler who always wants to share all her half-chewed goo with you), and wash my hands about 750 times a day. But I love to wear jeans and old, ratty, comfortable t-shirts. One of Agnes's most common comments to me when we're getting ready to go somewhere is, "Are you going to wear that?"

5. I love to cook, and am very good at it (shameless self-congratulatory moment here). However, I can't bake to save my life. If my main dishes are symphonies, my baked goods are duets for harpsichord and kazoo.

6. I will sometimes completely and utterly lose it if something strikes me as particularly funny. Last week in the office, one of my coworkers read this headline he saw on CNN: "North Korea Replaces Nuclear Seals," and without missing a beat, someone else said, "...with Conventional Seals." I laughed so long and so hard at the mental image that I started to choke. Everyone else thought I was nuts.

7. I think far-right Republicans and far-left Democrats are all brainless wingnuts (zipcode would call them something more unique, like "assmidgets"). I can't watch TV news because I want to throw large, heavy objects at moronic talking heads, and I can't afford to replace the TV several times a day.

There you have it...seven facts and confessions. I won't tag anyone else for this, but if you're reading and want to take a stab at it, be my guest. Just let me know so I can see what you said.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

Cloris Leachman is still, somehow, on Dancing with the Stars; we still have to face three more weeks of political attack ads; the economy is still in the toilet; and I'm still waiting for anyone to admit any responsibility for it.

We still need Cartoon Saturday.

I'm tired of bitching about all the interrelated problems that led to the current financial mess. At least there are some cartoons we can look to for a grin in tough times...

The Sphinx has been described as mysterious, enigmatic, and inscrutable. It didn't have to be that way...


And finally, when I was going to the gym regularly, I had more fun watching other gym rats than actually working out...

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Assorted Friday Stuff

I'm still trying to get my head around the whole economic meltdown thing, but since my head isn't all that large, it's taking a while. In the meantime, here are a few assorted random things I found that may enlighten, interest, or entertain you on this Friday morning...

Agnes and I have lamented that this season's cast of Dancing with the Stars isn't quite as good as previous seasons have been. Now, here's the DWTS team we'd like to see...

CNN yesterday ran a story about a horse that not only paints, but has had his work shown at an exhibition. You can read the story here, and visit the horse's website (yes, he has his own website) here. Best quote from the story comes from a spokesman for the art show: "We have to admit that we did not expect the application of a horse."

Do you know the difference between a horse race and a presidential race? In a horse race, the whole horse runs.

Alaska governor and Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin will appear on Saturday Night Live this weekend. She'll do well...she's watched the show before, from her living room in Alaska, so she's an expert.

One of the most often quoted people is Dr Samuel Johnson, who has been described as "the most distinguished man of letters in English history." Foreseeing the 2008 presidential campaign, he once said, "They have few sentiments, but they express them neatly; they have little meat, too, but they dress it well."

If you're going to make an informed decision in the upcoming election, it helps to have a sound education that will help you understand the issues. Well, maybe not understand, but at least grudgingly accept. In this regard, we are well and truly screwed, for as comedian Dennis Miller once commented: "You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R."

And in the same vein, historian and commentator Alvin Toffler has said that, "The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn." I don't think he was specifically speaking about President Bush, but you never know.

And I leave you today with this thought from comedian Eddie Izzard: "The NRA says 'guns don't kill people, people do.' But I think that the gun helps. You know? I think it helps. I think that if you just walked around going 'Bang!' you wouldn't kill too many people would you? You'd have to be really dogdy on the heart for that to work."

Okay, that's enough. Time to get ready for work.

Have a good day. Cartoon Saturday is coming tomorrow...just in time to help you get over another week of political and economic balderdash.

Bilbo

I Didn't Watch the Debate. Sue Me.

Yes, that's right. I didn't watch the make-or-break final debate. I came home from work, kicked back, fixed dinner (see the recipe at the end of this post), and went to bed at 9:15. As a result, this morning I feel much better and more rested than I would have if I'd sat and raged at the TV.

No more rants about the economy and venal bankers this morning. I need to rebuild my head of steam first. Instead, I have another ya-ha culled from my collection. You may have seen this before, but it's still funny - here are some new, updated metric measurement equivalents:

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
365.25 days = 1 Unicycle
500 millinaries = 1 seminary
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
2.71828 grams of turd = 1 natural log
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks = 1 Liter Hosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
2000 British Troops in Ireland = 2 kilohenry
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
3.14159 dates with an Italian girl = 1 Pizanno
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
1 trillion grams of brown marijuana = 1 Terracotta pot
1 million billion picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologues = 5 dialogues
5 dialogues = 1 decalogue
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 wharves = 1 paradox

And here's the recipe for last night's dinner - you'll be able to hear your arteries slamming shut from blocks away, but it's soooooo good...and soooooo easy...

Eggs in Mustard Cream Sauce with Capers and Parsley
Serves 4

Ingredients:
8 eggs
2 tbsps Dijon mustard
2 tbsps butter
2 tbsps flour
2 tbsps small capers
Fresh-squeezed lemon juice
2 egg yolks
1 cup heavy cream
1 cup vegetable broth
Salt and Pepper
Finely-chopped parsley

Preparation:
1. Hard-boil the eggs and set them aside.

2. Melt the butter in a saucepan; stir in the flour and stir until smooth and golden brown. Add the vegetable broth and bring to a boil, then reduce heat and simmer for 5 minutes. Add the cream and stir to combine.

3. Remove the sauce from the heat. Blend the egg yolks with some of the warm sauce, the mustard, and the lemon juice, then stir the mixture into the sauce.

4. Stir the capers and parsley into the sauce and season with salt and pepper to taste.

5. Shell the eggs and cut each one in half. Arrange four halves on each plate, spoon the sauce over, and serve.

You'll thank me.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

More Whining About the Economy, Some Good Reading, and Some Humor

It seems that I spend a lot of time lately whining about the gaps in my education which leave important topics about which I know too little. One of these is, as I've said before, economics. Not only don't I understand it, but I don't think it's inherently understandable.

For instance, I've long believed that the underlying foundation (is that redundant?) of economics is psychology. Things have value only because we believe they do. Banks loan us the money for mortgages because they trust us to pay the money back with the interest they will use for other things (or, at least, that's how it used to be). We accept that the pieces of paper and discs of metal we call "money" will be accepted by others at a level of value upon which we agree. Lenders offer us credit cards with a certain credit limit based on their trust that we'll pay the money back...if not in full, then in part and on a regular basis.

Trust and faith are, thus, the basis of economics.

Or were, until recently. Now we know that the banks that gave out all those "toxic" mortgages never expected to be repaid, because they bundled all those problematic mortgages and sold them as "investments" to someone else who, theoretically, trusted that the payments on those mortgages would roll in as a regular source of income. When the mortgage holders defaulted, it wasn't the problem of the original issuing bank...it became the problem of whoever held the mortgage at the time...and since no one knows where all those mortgages are, bankers and investment houses no longer trust each other.

The true casualty of the economic crisis is, thus, trust. Banks don't loan to each other (or to you and I, any more) because they don't believe that the person or institution asking for the loan can be trusted to pay them back...and incredibly enough, even government payments of tens of billions of dollars directly to failing banks isn't enough to restore that trust. We don't trust our financial advisors to be competent, or to have our interests rather than theirs at heart. We don't trust our banks to be good stewards of the money we've entrusted to their care. And, of course, good old greed is at work, too, with banks waiting to see how much they can extort from the government before sighing and getting back to the people's work.

The First National Bank of Bilbo's Mattress is starting to look pretty good.

Steven Perlstein, writing in the Washington Post yesterday, said what I'd been thinking when he wrote this article: It's Wall Street's Turn to Bolster Confidence. In this wonderful article, he writes:

"If Wall Street were truly serious about convincing Main Street that we're all in this together, its top executives would have stepped before the cameras yesterday and promised not to cut lines of credits to long-standing business customers who have never missed a payment.

"They would have committed themselves not to foreclose on any homeowner who is willing and able to refinance into a new, government-guaranteed, fixed-rate mortgage set at 85 percent of the current value of the property.

"They would have offered to suspend dividend payments until capital levels had been restored to pre-crisis levels.

"They would have given us their solemn promise not to advise clients to hold on to their own investments while quietly dumping whatever they can from their own portfolios and shorting every security in sight.

"With the Treasury now desperate for help in managing its new rescue efforts, they would have volunteered, at no cost to taxpayers, the services of some of those investment bankers and financial wizards who now don't have much else to do.

"And the maharajas of finance could have set a wonderful example if they had all gotten together and agreed to work for a dollar a year until the crisis has passed."

As Mr Pearlstein asks at the conclusion of his article, where's the leadership on Wall Street to match the leadership shown (belatedly) in Washington?

Oh, well...

Humor is another part of psychology, and if we can still laugh (or at least groan) when everything looks bleak, perhaps it can help get us through. Therefore...

Question: what's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon? A pigeon can still make a deposit on a new Ferrari.

You may have seen this photo of angry investment bankers demonstrating against the restrictions which accompany their government bailouts:

Two investment bankers were discussing their horrific losses in the collapsing Stock Market. "This is worse than a divorce!" moaned one. "How do you figure that?" asked the other. "I've lost half my net worth, and I've still got the same wife!"

I've got the same wife, too...but she's the best investment I ever made. At least I have something I can trust and depend on.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

It's the Economy, Stupid...or It's the Stupid Economy, I Can Never Remember Which

Can you imagine? As soon as the governments of the major economic powers got together and gave their banks almost two trillion dollars as a bribe (okay, a confidence-building measure) to get them to do something about the credit crisis, the stock markets have magically rallied - yesterday, the Dow posted its biggest one-day gain in history. See how easy it was to resolve the crisis - just throw lots of money at the people who helped cause it in the first place!

Unfortunately, it's unlikely that any of that two trillion dollars is going to help my IRA and 401(k) any time soon, but hey - someone will be helped. Maybe AIG can have another spa vacation for its execs. I'll do my part.

The other day, Miss Cellania had a great post about the effect of the economic crisis on Japanese banks:

* The Origami Bank has folded;

* Sumo Bank has gone belly up;

* Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some branches;

* Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song;

* Shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived;

* Samurai Bank has had to cut its staff in half;

* Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but remains in the black;

* 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop; and,

* Analysts report that something fishy is going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

A good quote about economics:

Franklin D. Roosevelt: "We have always known that heedless self-interest was bad morals; now we know that it is bad economics."

And a few thoughts about economists:

George Bernard Shaw: "If all the economists in the world were laid end-to-end, they would never reach a conclusion."

From the great Roman philosopher, Anonymous:

"The economy depends upon economists as much as the weather depends on weather forecasters."

And,

"Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously."

That's all for now...time to go to work to earn the money I can invest so that it won't be there when I retire. Sigh.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Elephant Collars

Everyone enjoyed yesterday's post about elephant hunting so much that I figured, why not stick with success?

You may have noticed this article on CNN late yesterday: Texts from Elephant Warn Rangers of Trouble. My first mental image on seeing this headline was of a member of the elephant Neighborhood Watch peering from behind a tree, using his enormous thumbs to frantically tap out a warning message about poachers on his Blackberry (or whatever similar device elephants might use - a Blackbreadfruit? a Blackseedpod?). But no, the story is actually about a high-tech collar which combines cellular and GPS technology to send a message to Kenyan rangers when a problem elephant is about to stray into someone's farm for a snack...it seems that many elephants are killed each year by angry farmers who object to the beasts' view of their farms as a free salad bar. When the rangers receive the message, they quickly drive to the elephant's location and use lights and noise to scare him back to his protected preserve.

Hmmm...

I wonder how much it would cost to equip all the $#&@! deer in my neighborhood with those collars so I can summon help to keep them out of my garden?

There may be other uses for these collars, too, if we can just master the technology.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could equip presidential candidates with a collar that would automatically send a warning when they stray too far from the truth in their wild accusations against each other?

How about a collar for investment brokers that would broadcast alerts when they invented some new, complicated, opaque and utterly worthless "investment vehicle" that has no value other than their immediate enrichment?

Or a collar that monitors the wearer for outrageous offenses against logic and common sense, and broadcasts a signal that could warn most of us, but be conveniently ignored by those who believe such balderdash without thinking critically on their own?

When I finally win the lottery, I think I'll hire some 800-pound brains to start working on developing those collars. The possibilities are endless.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Hunting Elephants

First of all, let me say that I am opposed to hunting elephants, especially after reading the marvelous story Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. And who, after all, cannot feel a pang of regret at the immortal words of African explorer Geoffrey T. Spaulding (aka Groucho Marx) in the film Animal Crackers: "I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know."

However...

Trolling through the murky depths of my enormous digital and paper files of nearly 57 years of accumulated humorous stuff, I found this piece, which describes the approaches of people of different occupations to hunting elephants. If you love elephants, just substitute the name of some animal you don't particularly care for, and make the appropriate corrections...

The first three are for zero_zero_one:

MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
(1) Catch each animal seen.
(2) Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
(3) Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

REPUBLICANS don't hunt elephants, but believe that if the elephants remain unregulated and pay less taxes, they will breed to such an extent that it will no longer be necessary to hunt for them.

DEMOCRATS don't hunt elephants, but believe that if they are guaranteed health care, a living minimum wage, and a good education, they will breed to such an extent that they will eventually hunt everyone else.

STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

STOCKBROKERS don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

I hope this clears up any issues you may have with hunting elephants. I am now going to hunt for my Sunday newspaper, which I plan to enjoy at my kitchen table with a nice cup of coffee while waiting for my Very Best Beloved to wake up and join me for breakfast.

And then I plan to do as little as possible for the rest of the day. So there.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

Your retirement fund is in the toilet, Congress is too busy pointing fingers to fix the financial mess, female suicide bombers are the latest rage in Iraq and Afghanistan, and you can't buy anything that isn't made in China...and there's melamine in all of it.

No question, you need another shot of Cartoon Saturday.

Penguins are cute, lovable, and silly in pictures, but can be vicious when provoked. They're great subjects for cartoons, though...


Cowboys are good for a few cartoon laughs also, especially when they bump up against the modern world...

I always happily accept any great cartoons you may happen to run across. E-mail them to bilbo_the_blogger (at) yahoo dot com. Look at it as an investment in Cartoon Saturday...the only investment nowadays that will make you laugh instead of cry.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo