Howard Phillips Lovecraft

In last Friday's post I noted the birthday of two famous Americans born on August 17th: Davy Crockett and Mae West*. Today, as it happens, is the birthday of yet another interesting American: author Howard Phillips ("H.P.") Lovecraft, born in Providence, Rhode Island, in 1890.

Lovecraft was - stylistically - a pretty abysmal writer. His prose can be difficult to read without a dictionary handy, but if you're willing to grit your mental teeth and press on, you'll find that he is a master of blood-chilling tales of horror and the supernatural, many of which have been made into inferior Hollywood films that don't come close to capturing the essence of the original stories.

My personal favorite Lovecraft story is the short novel The Case of Charles Dexter Ward, a tale that combines black magic, twisted science, reincarnation, revenge, and utterly incomprehensible mystical incantations, such as ...

"Y'ai 'ng'ngah,
Yog-Sothoth
H'ee - l'geb
F'ai throdog
Uaaah!"**

Two of my other Lovecraft favorites are the short stories "The Outsider," an horrifying tale with a brilliant twist at the end, and "Pickman's Model," about an artist who uses a somewhat ... um ... unusual model for his bizarre paintings.

Lovecraft was not especially popular during his lifetime, but enjoyed increased popularity after his stories*** were compiled and published by his friends through the Arkham House publishing company. There's an annual convention of his admirers called NecronomiCon Providence, and Lovecraft's work has inspired dozens of other authors ranging from Joyce Carol Oates to Stephen King.

So ...

If the spectacle of a dysfunctional and useless Congress, the rise of screaming political partisanship, and the blatant sale of your government to the highest contributor hasn't frightened you enough, turn to H.P. Lovecraft. He'll scare the socks off you, but at least you can close the book and escape from the horror.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* I forgot to mention it at the time, but a life vest is sometimes called a "Mae West." It doesn't require a whole lot of imagination to see why.

** This is similar to the language often used by Republicans to explain why their theory of "trickle-down economics" makes sense.

*** Contrary to popular belief, the titular mountains of Lovecraft's short novel At the Mountains of Madness are not a reference to Capitol Hill.

Husbandly Duties

As a husband (and if you're one already, you'll know what I'm talking about), there are a lot of duties you are expected to perform. These are not always made clear to you before you actually tie the matrimonial knot, although they are buried deeply in the fine print at the bottom of the marriage license, easy to overlook in your eagerness to get to the Opening Night Special.

One of those duties is the dreaded "Accompany Your Wife/Significant Other While She Buys Clothes" ...

Pay attention, men, because I am going to impart some hard-won knowledge to you.

When you are unable to provide a convincing excuse for not accompanying your lady on a clothes-buying expedition*, it is important for you to understand why your presence is required. There are two primary reasons: (1) watch over her 87-pound purse and (2) respond to questions that have no good answer. We will address each of these in due course. Here are Bilbo's Tips for Surviving a Shopping Expedition with Your Wife/Significant Other^TM.

First, prepare yourself in advance. Ensure you have had enough to eat and drink, and be sure to have made a proper bathroom stop before departing on the expedition. You will not be able to find sustenance or relieve yourself while on duty unless there is a brief transition period between stores.

Second, seek out the most comfortable available seat in the Husbands' Corral. Most purveyors of ladies' garments have such a place, which usually has an insufficient number of uncomfortable seats for the number of glassy-eyed men patiently waiting and wishing they were almost anyplace else. The Husbands' Corral is generally well-stocked with tattered, four-year-old copies of Elle, Vogue, and similar magazines, and so ...

Take a book along. Or two. Better yet, take your Kindle, iPad, or similar device and ensure it is well-stocked with unread titles. You'll have plenty of time to read.

Next, understand that there is no safe answer to many ... if not most ... questions you will be asked. For instance, if you are asked "Does this make me look fat?", the appropriate answer is "No, dear," unless the garment in question prominently features the Goodyear logo. Also, beware the Endless Loop query, which usually goes something like this:

Lady: "Which one of these do you like better - this one" (holds up a garment) "or this one?" (holds up another garment).

You (pointing): "That one."

Lady: "Why don't you like this one?" (holds up the garment you didn't select).

You: "I do like it, but you asked which one I liked better."

Lady: "Yes, but why don't you like it?"

You: "I do like it, I just like the other one more."

Lady: "Yes, but why don't you like it?"

You: "AAARRRGGGHHH!!!"

Do not make the mistake of evaluating, whether verbally or visually, the potential purchases being modeled by nubile young ladies with whom you did not arrive at the store. Your insurance** will not cover any injuries that result. Corollary: avoid making any disapproving noises or rolling your eyes when you see a woman proudly modeling a garment so hideously inappropriate for her that it makes your gorge rise. It's her boyfriend/husband/significant other who will have to live with it, not you, and he won't appreciate being reminded of it.

Finally, ensure you are in superb physical condition before setting out on a Shopping Expedition, because you will end up loaded like a rented mule, and may be weak from hunger after many hours in the Husbands' Corral.

And those, friends, are the basic elements of Bilbo's Tips for Surviving a Shopping Expedition with Your Wife/Significant Other^TM. There are other minor rules and corollaries, but if you observe the ones I've shared with you today, you will have an even chance of returning home safely. Be strong. Other men have survived the experience, and so will you.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* A note signed by the coroner is usually, but not always, sufficient.

** Assuming you are lucky enough to have any.

Cartoon Saturday

It's been a long week ...

In Russia, three members of the all-girl punk rock band Pussy Riot have been sentenced to two years in prison for "hooliganism" for insulting Russian president Vladimir* Putin; a spokesman for presumptive GOP vice-presidential nominee Paul Ryan says there is no contradiction between Congressman Ryan’s efforts to secure federal funds for his district via budget earmarks and his relentless call for budget-cutting measures; North Korean President Kim Jong Un has told his countrymen to prepare for "sacred war" as the US and South Korea prepare for the "Ulchi Freedom Guardian" military exercises; three US Marines were murdered and another seriously wounded by a 15 year-old Afghan worker in another of the "green on blue" attacks which have taken the lives of more than 20 Americans this year; and in Louisiana, seven people have been arrested in connection with the ambushes that killed two Louisiana state troopers and wounded two more.

Sit back, take a deep breath, and let Cartoon Saturday help you deal with this crazy old world ...

Sometimes you find the right person for the job ...

... and sometimes, he finds you ...

There are lots of great cartoons dealing with that most hapless of characters - the crash test dummy. Here's a selection ...

 

And ...

How crash test dummies might moonlight ...

They tend to specialize ...

And finally for today's test dummy series ...

Yesterday was the anniversary of Mae West's birthday ... 

... and we should acknowledge that she was not the only master of the double entendre ...

We bring today's edition of Cartoon Saturday to a close with this look at how Agnes and I keep track of things** ...

So we bring another week to an end and gird our mental loins for another few months of evasive and untruthful political posturing leading up to an election which is already in the process of being purchased on our behalf. Or on behalf of those with deep pockets, anyhow.

Stay with me ... there are still eleven Cartoon Saturdays before the election to help you keep things in perspective.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* Your linguistic lesson for today: the common Russian name "Vladimir" is derived from the combination of the words "vlad" (meaning "ruler") and "mir" (which can mean either "world" or "peace"). Thus, "Vladimir" is the "ruler of the world." Or the "ruler of peace," but I think the first is more appropriate in the current political context. Also, it's actually pronounced vluh-DEE-mur, and not VLAD-uh-meer.

** Actually, it's how I keep track of things, because Agnes's filing system consists of giving things to me and telling me, "Don't lose this."

Famous Birthdays

Today, we celebrate the shared birthday of two great Americans from widely different backgrounds.

First, politician and folk hero Davy Crockett was born on August 17, 1786 in Greene County, Tennessee. The real Davy Crockett was a complex and fascinating character who embodied the spirit of the American frontier and served a term in the Tennessee state legislature and three nonconsecutive terms in the House of Representatives before being voted out of office and returning in a huff to Texas ... where he was killed at the Battle of the Alamo on March 6, 1836.  Mr Crockett will probably always be remembered as the character played by Fess Parker on television and in the movies ...

And yes, I admit it ... I proudly wore a Davy Crockett coonskin cap, which was all the rage at the time.

Also born on this date - somewhat later, in 1893, in Brooklyn, New York - was vaudeville, stage, and film actress and playwright Mae West, mainly remembered for her over-the-top sexual persona and heavy use of innuendo and double entendres.

Her most famous line was the invitation delivered to Cary Grant in the film She Done Him Wrong to "come up sometime, and see me" (usually misquoted as "why don't you come up and see me sometime?") You can see a film clip with the original line here (sorry, but YouTube won't allow me to embed it).

You, Dear Readers, should raise a glass to Davy and Mae, and come back and see me tomorrow ... for Cartoon Saturday.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

I Feel Safer Now

From the Department of Really Stupid People comes this news flash, datelined Sparks, Nevada: Nevada Man Shifts in His Theater Seat, Accidentally Shoots Himself.

Yes, Dear Readers, a 56 year-old gentleman* in Sparks, Nevada, concerned about the possibility of being shot at by a fiendish criminal while attending the movies, took his legally-registered handgun, for which he had a concealed-carry permit, put it in his pocket, and headed for the theater. While he was sitting down in his seat, the gun fell out of his pocket and discharged, shooting him in the ... um ... gluteus maximus**. Fortunately, no one else was hurt, and the police have charged him with discharging a firearm in public. Were I the Sparks Chief of Police, I would probably have added reckless endangerment. Sadly, there is no law prohibiting reckless public stupidity.

One of the responding police officers was quoted as saying, "At least he apologized. You have to give him credit for that."

There is nothing more I can add to this story that will make any difference in the ongoing discussion*** of Second Amendment rights and a common-sense approach to public safety.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Old enough to know better, you'd think.

** That would be the "ass," to use the proper medical term.

*** Or lack thereof.

Lesson from Mars

As you know, Dear Readers, I tend to be pretty critical of our government ... at least, of the parts of it that don't work particularly well*. And the GOP in particular has made the denunciation of government into an art form, blaming "big government" for everything that is wrong with the country, and thundering that all will be well if we just shrink the federal government, "get it out of the way," and unleash the power of the private sector.

What gets lost in the noise, though, is the fact that there are some areas in which the government works really well, and some things only a strong, central government can do.

Such as ... say ... going to Mars.

You should take a few minutes to read this wonderful article by David Sirota on Salon.com - Lesson From Mars: Government Works. Mr Sirota makes the very good point that only the government could provide the vision, the funding, and the coordination of effort that made the Mars program possible. The government that is so often denounced as unable to organize a one-car funeral built a sophisticated robot, sent it on a journey of more than 150 million miles, and landed it within 1.5 miles of its intended touchdown spot ... where, within a matter of hours, it was sending back highly-detailed color photographs of another world that humans themselves may never be able to visit.

Now, you can argue (and many will) that the cost of the Mars program represents money better spent on other things**, but I would rather see the money spent on advancing the frontiers of our knowledge than on propping up misogynistic and religiously bigoted governments like those of Afghanistan and Pakistan. And you can also argue (and many will) that a big national government can't do some things as well as a smaller state or local government ... and in many cases, that's true. But as Mr Sirota eloquently states in the conclusion of his article,

"... under the right conditions, we should have confidence that government has the capacity to address serious challenges. After all, if today it can successfully realize a sci-fi-esque goal as fantastical, daunting and complicated as the Mars Curiosity mission, it surely can accomplish objectives on this planet that involve fairly straightforward solutions."

And that's why you and I need to hold our elected officials' feet to the fire and insist on a strong, well-managed government that takes on big challenges and reaches for big solutions. Because ... sometimes ... only a strong and responsive government can do the job.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Congress, for example.

** Such as tax breaks for wealthy "job creators."

Yet More Editorial Gems

I overslept this morning, and so I don't have my mental act well enough together yet to write a coherent post*. Therefore, let's just dig into Bilbo's Bottomless Jar o' Editorial Ya-Ha's for this morning's post ...

This is a show I've really got to see. Not. ...

Truth in advertising is always refreshing, especially in an election year ...

It's not the sort of marital aid that comes immediately to mind, but ...

Speaking of unfortunate juxtapositions of story and image ...

Who'd a thunk it? ...

This is NOT a misprint! ...

Well, I suppose it's probably cheaper than the old pig kind ...

They may not be particularly comfortable or absorbent, but they last forever ...

So, what would you put it out with? ...

And finally, I really don't know what to say about this one ...

And there you have it ... another collection of great moments in editing to make you scratch your heads and say, "eh?" Much like any other of my posts, eh?

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* No comment necessary, Mike.

Bitter Anniversary

It was on this date in 1961 that soldiers of the East German National People's Army began stringing barbed wire barricades around and through the city of Berlin - the first moves in the construction of what the East German government called the "Anti-Fascist Protective Rampart" and the rest of the world came to know as "The Berlin Wall." The wire was gradually replaced by a six-foot wall of concrete blocks, which eventually evolved into an ugly ten-foot concrete slab wall topped with barbed wire or concrete pipe and punctuated with guard towers to prevent East German citizens from escaping.

It didn't work, at least completely ... even the East German army wasn't immune to the lure of a better life in the West ...

Over the years, many people managed to escape to freedom in the West by going over the wall - often in a hail of gunfire - or through it, hidden in the trunks of cars or concealed in other ways. When I listen to the partisans of the American right today complaining about how terribly oppressive our government is, I think back to the two years (August of 1980 through December of 1982) I spent stationed in Berlin in the shadow of a wall that a really oppressive government had to build to keep its unwilling citizens in. Sorry, people - but you are just clueless ass clowns with no sense of history or reality.

The Berlin Wall started to come down in 1989, and most of it had been destroyed by 1991. Today, parts of it still exist as exhibits in museums, and a large chunk of concrete and twisted, rusted barbed wire salvaged for me by my friend and former Berlin comrade-in-arms Dave sits on a shelf in my study as a reminder of the things I believe are worth protecting ... and to give perspective to my complaints about my own government.

You can read an interactive history of the Berlin Wall on the city of Berlin's website here.

Have a good day. Think about what it means to live under a government that has to build a wall to keep you in ... and was willing to shoot you if you tried to escape. And then get real when you complain about the shortcomings of the United States.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

P.S. - Here's a photo of my father and my sons Jason and Matt at the Berlin border, about 1981 ...

The Democratic Platform Endorses Same-Sex Marriage

I originally wanted to use today's post to write about the Democratic Party's plans in the same way I wrote about those of Mitt Romney last Friday. I found that a bit hard to do, though, because the Obama-Biden reelection website (once you get past the first few screens which ask for money, as do virtually all political websites) doesn't put it's full plan out in a single-page document of bumper stickers like the Romney campaign did ... rather, it spreads everything out over multiple pages with more verbiage. This makes it more difficult to ferret out the actual meat for comment, and so it's going to take longer than I thought to present the same sort of analysis and commentary that I did last Friday. I'm working on it ... watch this space for the arrival.

In the meantime, I thought I'd write about something the Democrats have apparently decided to include in their platform: support for same-sex marriage.

You may want to step back from the computer while I write this, in case lightning should strike ... because I have to say, in all candor and honesty, that I do not support the idea of same-sex marriage. Of committed relationships between gay partners, fine ... but I don't think "marriage" is the right idea.

This has nothing to do with religious beliefs or with a desire to discriminate against anyone.

I'm just deeply uncomfortable on a personal level with the whole idea of homosexuality, being a resolutely heterosexual person myself*. Homosexuality challenges our core notions of identity in a way that race, religion, or national origin don't. This doesn't mean that I dislike gay persons ... you can't spend years in competitive ballroom dancing without being able to get along with people of all sexual orientations. And, though it probably sounds like the classic dodge, I do have a great many friends - many of whom I consider close friends - who are either openly or quietly gay. They are what they are, and I am what I am. We accept each other, like each other, and enjoy each other's company, even if I'm not comfortable with the basic idea of homosexuality.

Here's what I think: every one of us - male or female, gay or straight, of whatever race or religion - exists because at some point a man and a woman got together and combined their essences to create us. Even if take account of things like artificial or in-vitro fertilization in addition to the good old, time-tested method of baby-making, the simple fact remains that life is transmitted through the combination of male and female parts. If it were part of the Grand Plan that life should be transmitted through male-only or female-only combinations, it seems to me that nature would have made allowances for it. But it didn't.

As I've written here before, I think that a child grows up learning valuable lessons and examples from both a male and a female parent. This doesn't mean that a same-sex couple can't love a child ... just that I don't think they can provide the same balance of life lessons that a father and a mother can. You might argue that a lot of single parents raise normal children after the death of or divorce from their partners, and that there are a lot of children who grow up with parents who have dysfunctional relationships. This is all true, but I'm not sure it applies in the vast majority of families. And I still believe that - as a normal and general rule - a child is best raised by a father and a mother.

If marriage were about nothing more than guaranteeing the equality of spousal rights under the law, I don't think I'd have a problem with marriage being defined in any way we choose. But it's about more than that - it's about making and raising children which, as I believe, requires a mother and a father. I think that all the things gay couples want from the idea of marriage can be provided by a comprehensively-defined, legally-protected civil union (or whatever we choose to call it) which provides legal recognition and protection for the relationship without enraging social and religious conservatives any more than they're already been spun up.

Widespread acceptance of formal relationships - whatever we choose to call them - between gay couples won't be gained by lawsuits, having bearded fellows snogging each other in front of Chick-fil-A restaurants, or by Queer Pride parades at which the most extreme types of sexual behavior are flaunted. "Acceptance" will probably never equal "approval," but we can move forward by seeking ways to accomplish the ends we desire that don't involve poking each other in the eye with behavioral and legal sharp sticks.

My advice to the Democratic Party: drop the endorsement of same-sex marriage in favor of less inflammatory alternatives to accomplish the same end. It's not going to accomplish anything except to energize the conservative base and distract attention from issues which are of more importance to all Americans: things like fixing the economy (including job creation and the reduction of extreme economic inequality), improving education, and protecting the environment.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* In a world with women like Agnes, why would I be interested in a man? I'm just glad she's interested in me.

Cartoon Saturday

I don't know about you, but it's been a hell of a week here ...

The House and Senate are in recess, and will not return until September 10th, after which they will continue screwing up the country until October 5th, break again, and reconvene on November 13th for a lame duck session ... nice "work" if you can get it; Runner Leo Manzano, supposedly representing the United States, won the silver medal in the 1500m at the London Olympics, then - demonstrating amazing chutzpah, considering that he and his father were illegal immigrants - wrapped himself in both the American and Mexican flags at the award ceremony; The Army has launched an enormous "super blimp" the size of a football field, intended to provide high-altitude, long-duration surveillance ... as a cost-cutting measure, Members of Congress and the Republican and Democratic National Committees have agreed to donate the hot air to inflate it; a man dressed in an Afghan Security forces uniform murdered three Americans, bringing to 31 the number of Western soldiers murdered by their Afghan counterparts so far this year; and finally, country singer Randy Travis was arrested and charged with DWI after being found lying naked on a remote stretch of Texas highway and smelling of alcohol, explaining to the arresting officers that he was researching lyrics for a new country song.

Bring on the Cartoon Saturday ... heaven knows we need it!

As usual, we lead off with the outrageous pun cartoon of the week ...

Memory foam can make for a very comfortable cushion or mattress, but it does come with some drawbacks ...

And ...

And ...

A popular source of cartoon gags is the stock character of the sidewalk crazy with his sign advertising that "the end is coming" or "the end is near." Here is a sampling of "end times" cartoons ...

The arrival of the end may be postponed due to a labor dispute ...

Sometimes, the end is nearer than you think ...

If you're going to advertise that the end is near, it helps to speak with authority ...

Various kinds of ends are near ...

Sometimes the end is near, and sometimes the end is here ...

And finally, it helps to emphasize the sincerity of your beliefs ...

And that's it for another Cartoon Saturday. Enjoy your weekend, and come back tomorrow when we'll continue our look at campaign promises and ask the questions you know the candidates will never answer.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo