The Bill of Rights: Article VI

Before we start today's discussion of the Sixth Amendment to the Constitution, I should note yesterday's announcement of a landmark and (from my somewhat cynically jaded perspective) wholly unexpected Supreme Court decision in the case of United States v Jones (docket number 10-1259). In a unanimous verdict, the Court decided that law enforcement authorities need a search warrant in order to plant a GPS tracker on a suspect in order to follow him around the clock.

Coming from a profoundly conservative court which has come up with howlers like Citizens United v Federal Election Commission and Kelo v City of New London (both of which we've discussed before), this is an amazing decision which strikes a decisive blow for your rights under the Fourth Amendment (which we discussed last week in this post). While I suspect that my friends in the law enforcement community (of which I have many, and with whom I sympathize) will view this as a disaster, I think it was a righteous decision that could not have been rendered in any other way. The Founders never foresaw the power of GPS in an era when cutting-edge navigation technology was the sextant, but I'm sure they'd have had the same concerns most of us had about its use as a means of government control of citizens.

But we're here today to talk about the Sixth Amendment, which reads:

"In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence."

This is a very important right that we don't usually think about unless we find ourselves accused of a crime. It ensures that we have the right to a trial by a jury of our peers ...

and to be informed of the charges against us (you may recall Franz Kafka's classic novel The Trial, in which the unfortunate Josef K stands accused of a crime, but has no idea what that crime is, what the evidence against him is, who has accused him, or pretty much anything else about the allegations ... there wasn't a Sixth Amendment in Kafka's time).

The Sixth Amendment gives you the right to call witnesses in your own defense, to face your accusers, and to be represented by counsel for your defense.

Like many of our other rights, those guaranteed by the Sixth Amendment are periodically put into jeopardy.

In the time of the so-called "war on terror," we are told that many cases cannot be prosecuted in open court because of the "classified" nature of the evidence, or that prosecution witnesses cannot be produced because it would threaten their usefulness as sources of intelligence about other crimes. The famous Miranda Decision of 1966, which we all know from generations of warnings recited to miscreants on television police dramas, contains the guarantee that a lawyer will be provided for an accused person if he (or she) can't afford one. Of course, the court-appointed lawyer probably won't be from the sort of top-flight multi-partner legal firm that major corporations and the wealthy can afford, but it's something.

And that part about a "speedy" trial? Well, as we know, trials can drag on for years as both sides roll out reinforced divisions of lawyers and specialized witnesses, file endless motions for this or that, and generally try to keep the case going until the participants forget the original issue or die of old age. Charles Dickens knew what he was writing about when he wrote the story of the Jarndyce vs Jarndyce case in his great novel, Bleak House.

The Sixth Amendment is your friend when you're in trouble. While the other Amendments of the Bill of Rights deal generally with your rights as a law-abiding citizen, the Sixth protects you when you have been accused of a crime. You may never actually need your Sixth Amendment rights, but if you do ... you'll be glad they're there. They may be frustrating to the law enforcement community, and provide endless opportunities for lucrative reimbursement for legal professionals, but they're vital for your protection and a wonderfully far-sighted gift from the Founders.

Have a good day. Remember to invoke the right Miranda ...

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Bill of Rights: Article V

It's one of those mornings here in Disneyland-on-the-Potomac that makes winter interesting ... the Federal Government (the largest employer in the region) has decreed that, because of freezing rain and resultant ice in locations around the National Capital Region, late reporting (up to 11:00 AM) for work is authorized. By afternoon, the temperature will have risen to near 50, and all that ice will have turned back into dirty water. Winter just ain't fun any more.

Nessa gave me a break and wrote yesterday's post (in the process, getting more comments than I get on my own posts), but now it's time to get back to normal and return to our discussion of the Bill of Rights - we've made our way through Amendments I through IV, so today we'll move on to a look at the Fifth Amendment:

"No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation."

Although this may be what grammatical purists would call a run-on sentence, it nevertheless embodies in its run-on-ness several of the freedoms and rights upon which we Americans have come to rely. If most of us know anything about the Fifth Amendment, it probably comes from movies and TV shows that depict a suspect "taking the fifth" or saying something like "I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might tend to incriminate me." There's more to it than just that, though, if we look at everything it enumerates:

- No prosecution without a properly-presented indictment before a grand jury (except in the case of military personnel accused of crimes in time of war);

- No prosecution twice for the same offense ("double jeopardy");

- No enforced self-incrimination (why you can "take the fifth");

- No forfeiture of property without due process; and,

- Limits on the government's power of eminent domain (the seizure of private property for public use).

All of these rights have been limited to some degree over the years, and some are in particular danger today, particularly the power of protection against the power of eminent domain. The Supreme Court decision in the case of Kelo v City of New London (docket #04-108) interpreted the Fifth Amendment to allow the government to seize private property on behalf of a real estate developer, on the theory that the public benefits economically when a developer can replace private property with a commercial development that will, in theory, generate positive economic benefit. The government's power to seize personal assets is also growing, particularly as part of the war on drugs in which the authorities impound homes, cars, aircraft, and other assets of convicted drug dealers.

The Fifth Amendment isn't one of the articles of the Bill of Rights we think about very often, but it's very important, particularly when read in conjunction with the Sixth Amendment, which we'll discuss tomorrow. For now, though, I need to get ready to face the hibernal music and make my slippery way to work.

Have a good day. Know your rights, but also your responsibilities. Both are more important than ever as we draw farther and farther away in time from the world in which the Founders wrote the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Guest Post

Hi everybody! It's me again ... you know ... Nessa. I'm the dog that lives with Bilbo and Agnes. Bilbo is busy getting ready to go and visit his grandchildren later this morning, so I thought I'd give him a break and do today's post for him. I guess that makes me a service dog, huh?

Anyhow, I was surfing the net while Bilbo and Agnes were out yesterday and found this:

Oh, you don't know the half of it!

Bilbo is the one who usually takes me for walks, and he talks up a blue streak the whole way. I think he likes to use me as a sounding board for his ideas and frustrations. I know who he likes and who he doesn't. I know the names of everyone on the list of people he calls "bottled-in-bond, aged-in-wood, gold-plated, certified, documented, first-class, card-carrying, USDA-approved ass clowns" (sometimes he refers to some of them collectively as "Congress," but there are a lot of others on the list, too). I know the plots of the stories he'd like to write and the things he wants to write about in his blog. I know his complaints about the bus he rides to and from work (most of the drivers seem to be ass clowns who can't keep to the schedule, don't know the route, and sometimes leave him standing at the curb as they drive by, especially if it's cold and raining or snowing). I know all the cute things his grandchildren do (which is important because I don't get to see them very often). He wants my opinion of the things he'd like to buy for Agnes for special occasions, and asks me to remind him of things he has to remember.

There's lots of other stuff he tells me, too, but I'm Bilbo's dog through and through, and there are some things that just have to remain between us. I'm not one of those lick-and-tell dogs. A Jack Russell terrier would probably tell you everything he ever said ... but he'd shout it all out so fast you'd never understand it all, anyway.

We dogs have a lot of important jobs. We protect our families, play with their children, provide unconditional love, and generally help get them through what can be a tough life. And we don't ask for much ... keep the supper dish and the water bowl full, throw the frisbee or tennis ball a few times, take us for walks, and we're happy.

And you can talk to us any time. You can talk to one of those psychiatrist people, too, but they want a lot of money for what we give you for free. And we can lay on the couch with you and nobody will think you're weird.

So go ahead and talk to us. We're ready to listen.

And your secrets are safe with us.

Have a good day. Bilbo will be back tomorrow with more thoughts.

Woof!

Nessa

Cartoon Saturday

Off to the races ...

Legislative attempts to protect the interests of copyright holders from internet piracy have been placed on hold after massive protests against the proposed Stop Online Piracy Act, or SOPA, and the Protect IP Act, or PIPA ... leaving a real problem unresolved; an Ohio father has been arrested on charges of tying up his daughter with duct tape and locking her in a cage, after which his son posted pictures on Facebook; Republican presidential wannabe and professional windbag Newt Gingrich is blaming the media for asking about his personal moral and ethical shortcomings, which obviously have no place in presidential politics; Iranian movie star Golshifteh Farahani is at the center of a storm of controversy in Iran for the horrifying crime of baring her breasts in a photo shoot for a French magazine; and in California, police have identified as 66-year old man as the victim whose body parts were found strewn on a hillside below the famous "HOLLYWOOD" sign.

Embrace the weirdness.

I guess inventors have always had their problems turning good ideas into practical products ...

... which is why it's usually not a good idea to buy a new product right after its initial release ...

Truth in political advertising ... the ultimate oxymoron ...

I wonder if this app also works for those $#&@! political robocalls we'll be buried in more and more in the coming months ...

I've had one of these weeks, too. And it looks like the coming week isn't going to be much of an improvement ...

I got this cartoon from one of my friends who had posted it on his Facebook page. I think it's more brilliantly perceptive than actually funny ...

The American electorate speaks ...

Tired of listening to me bitterly complain enough about the Supreme Court decision in the Citizens United case that sold your government to those with the deepest pockets? I'm not the only one worried ...

Which one do you suppose is the more environmentally sound option? ...

And finally for this week, Agnes is getting ready to go back to Germany next month to visit her parents for a few weeks, which has given us the opportunity once again to enjoy the sheer delight of dealing with airline ticket pricing and the cascading number of new fees for just about everything but the air you breathe (and that's probably coming soon) ...

Looking out my study window, it seems that we had about a half-inch or so of snow overnight, which is supposed to change to sleet and freezing rain this morning ... just another wonderful winter's day here in Disneyland-on-the-Potomac. I think it's shaping up to be a good day to stay inside in front of the fire, watch movies, and catch up on reading.

These nasty winter days are good for something, after all!

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Bill of Rights: Articles III and IV

You may have thought, based on recent discussions of more interesting things like the G-Spot, that I've forgotten about our tour through the Constitution. But you'd be wrong. It's just that my brain works in a somewhat unguided manner, and I'm easily drawn off on tangents.

But let's get back to the Constitution; specifically, to our discussion of The Bill of Rights. We discussed the First and Second Amendments already, so today we'll move on to the Third and Fourth.

The Third Amendment is pretty straightforward, and isn't of much import today. It reads as follows:

"No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law."

At the time of the Revolutionary War, the Americans were pretty upset by the King's insistence that the people house and feed his soldiers, and they wanted to be sure that their new government didn't do the same thing. Today, we don't worry much about the government wanting us to serve as a Holiday Inn for the 82nd Airborne ... we worry a great deal more about the sort of rights spelled out in the Fourth Amendment:

"The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized."

Americans of the Founders' era had suffered the experience of the King's soldiers breaking into and searching their homes on questionable authority, and they weren't about to allow the new government they were devising to have such power. Thus, the Fourth Amendment found pride of place in the Bill of Rights, being one of the most invoked set of freedoms (along with the First and the Holy Second amendments). It's often cited as a right to privacy, although that isn't quite what it says.

Today, there is probably no set of rights enumerated under the Constitution that is more endangered than those guaranteed by the Fourth Amendment. When the Founders wrote this amendment, the cutting edge of surveillance technology was the spyglass, and a search warrant was the battering ram the King's agents could use to break down your door in search of whatever they hoped to find. The Founders drafting our basic rights in 1787 could never have foreseen electronic surveillance technology, GPS tracking, the tapping of telephones (or, in fact, telephones themselves), or computers and the ability of evil persons (not only the government) to hack into those computers and steal our personal information. A man's home may be his castle, but nowadays there are a lot of people who know how to lower the drawbridge and invite themselves in.

The Supreme Court is wading its way through the issue of the constitutionality of GPS tracking, and may impose limits on the ability of law enforcement to track you and I 24 hours per day using this technology. But this is the same Supreme Court that, through its incredible decision in Citizens United v Federal Election Commission, has allowed Super PACs to purchase our government as if it were a package on a Wal-Mart shelf. If I were you, I'd worry about those Fourth Amendment rights. It's too bad we don't have an all-rights/no-responsibilities organization like the NRA to protect them.

Insist on all your rights guaranteed by the Constitution ... and remember that they are guaranteed to the people whose political opinions and lifestyle you don't like, too.

We'll get funny again tomorrow with Cartoon Saturday, and move on to the rest of the Bill of Rights next week. Be here.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

G Whiz

Today's post is brought to you - in true Sesame Street fashion - by the letter G.

Following up on the success of my post on The Degree of Gasp, which began with this reference to the gradual disappearance of the g-string (not that there's a great deal to disappear), I call your attention to yet another reference to the hard-working letter G: this interesting article on the unsuccessful 60-year effort to identify and precisely locate the G-Spot.

The so-called G-Spot is named for German gynecologist Dr Ernst Graefenberg, who postulated its existence in 1950 during his study of stimulation of the urethra (don't ask). The G-Spot was said to be a particularly sensitive 1- to 2-centimeter spot on the wall of the vagina which, when properly stimulated, could provide ... um ... intense pleasure to the happy lady so stimulated. His curiosity about the existence of the spot which now bears his name may have been piqued by references to such an anatomical location in the 11th-century Indian Kamasastra and Jayamangala texts.

The G-Spot was popularized in a 1982 book titled The G-Spot and Other Recent Discoveries About Human Sexuality, by Alice Kahn Ladas, Beverly Whipple, and John D. Perry. The book became a New York Times best-seller in 1982, proving that people will read just about anything related to sex.

Now, unfortunately, it seems that 60 years of dedicated (and, no doubt, exciting) study using scans, surveys, and biopsies and a thorough review of 96 published studies (!) have failed to scientifically document the existence of the G-Spot. Dr. Amichai Kilchevsky, a urology resident at Yale-New Haven Hospital in Connecticut and lead author of the review, stated in an article published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, "Without a doubt, a discreet anatomic entity called the G-spot does not exist." He conceded, however, that the work is not "1,000 percent conclusive," and that other scientists could one day find something his team missed ... although this would require "new technology" (concerning which I will decline to speculate).

I will never look at the letter G in the same way again.

Attempting to claw my way back up to higher intellectual ground, I note that my friend and co-worker Brenda yesterday introduced me to this very interesting blog: The Inky Fool, dedicated to "words, phrases, grammar, rhetoric, and prose." In the blog, I found an exposition on the word bellibone, defined as "A woman excelling in both beauty and goodness. A word now out of use."

One hopes that it is merely the wonderfully mellifluous word bellibone that is out of use, and not the existence of women excelling in both beauty and goodness.

Well, Gee, it's time to get ready to go to work. I must get dressed, take Nessa for a walk, and kiss my bellibone good-bye as she sleeps.

Have a good day. More thoughts, hopefully less prurient, tomorrow.

Bilbo

I'm Finished, You Can Swipe the Page Now

You know, Dear Readers (and are probably tired of hearing about it) that I'm a reading purist - although I own an iPad that has three different e-reading programs on it (Kindle, iBooks, and Overdrive), I much prefer the heft, feel, and - yes - smell of a real ink-on-paper book. Reading a book on a digital reader is convenient, especially while traveling or commuting, but it just doesn't give you the same sensory experience of a real book.

That said, e-readers and digital books are here to stay. But what about their availability and overall utility?

You may be interested in this article from last Saturday's Washington Post: As Demand for E-Books Soars, Libraries Struggle to Stock Their Virtual Shelves. It's an interesting article that confirms what I had already long suspected: that it can be extraordinarily difficult to check out a digital book from your local library, and the wait can be as long or longer than the wait for the same title in traditional ink-on-paper.

The publishers of books are facing the same threats in the digital world that the music and film industries have faced over the last decade, and are trying to avoid the mistakes made by those industries by coming up with a technology and business plan that will protect the financial interests of authors and publishers while still making books available to readers. This is not a simple task.

Some publishers (like Simon and Schuster) are refusing to make their titles available to libraries in digital format, or are severely limiting the number of copies of digital titles they will provide to a single library, because they're afraid of piracy. I know from personal experience that the wait for a digital title from my local library is generally a good deal longer than the wait for a real book. And that's not to mention the problem (from a reader's perspective) that there are several contending (and incompatible) digital formats designed to protect proprietary interests and foil digital pirates.

You can buy a real book and lend it to your family and friends without restriction ... but not so a digital book. Although there are some very limited exceptions, if you want to lend an e-book to a friend, you have to give them your entire reader. And you need a degree in electrical engineering to configure and authorize your computer and reading device to enable download of a title for which you've paid (or which you've properly downloaded from your library). Oh, and I haven't even mentioned the difficulty of obtaining a legal digital download of a movie for which you've paid ... if you're interested in the details of my digital nightmare, I'll e-mail them to you.

Oy, vay.

I understand the importance of protecting the right of an author (or musician, or actor/director) to make a living from his or her talent. But we need to remember the poor reader, too: if digital reading gets to be too onerous a task, fewer people will do it ... and we have a woefully underinformed population already, anyway.

At the moment, I am reading four books: three traditional (Inferno, by Max Hastings, which Agnes gave me for Christmas; Iago, by David Snodin, and Supervolcano: Eruption, by Harry Turtledove, both borrowed from my local library), and one e-book (Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, by Seth Grahame-Smith). The e-book is easiest to handle and transport, making it a much better choice for hauling along on my daily commute, but making for a less satisfying reading experience.

Oh, and did I mention that our local Metro transit system is being plagued by a rash of robberies in which personal electronics (smartphones, tablet computers, and game players) are stolen from commuters ... sometimes with injury?

If someone tries to steal my copy of Max Hastings' Inferno, I can hit him with it and do some significant damage. If someone tries to steal my iPad ... well, let's just say I'd be reluctant to smash it over his head.

Digital books are here to stay, and they have their place in my library.

But I don't have to like them.

Have a good day. Read more, either digitally or traditionally.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The PC University School of Ultra-Conservative Arts and Sciences

Yesterday, we studied the organization and some of the course offerings of the College of Ultra-Liberal Arts and Sciences of the Scientific and Technical University for Politically Intelligent Development (STUPID). Because this is a blog dedicated to equal treatment for ass-clownery of both the left and the right, today we look at the equivalent course offerings for STUPID's College of Ultra-Conservative Arts and Sciences. You've been warned ...

Current Course Catalog

of the

Scientific and Technical University for Politically Intelligent Development (STUPID)

Part 2: Course Offerings of the College of Ultra-Conservative Arts and Sciences

At STUPID’s College of Ultra-Conservative Arts and Sciences, we specialize in higher-order skills that obviate the need for independent and critical thought and provide students with rock-solid, truthful alternatives to the socialist drivel of The Liberal Left. We are especially proud of our admission policies which ensure that every member of the top 1% can achieve a quality, faith-based, truth-centered education unencumbered by irrelevant and annoying facts. All students accepted to STUPID’s College of Ultra-Conservative Arts and Sciences based on their ancestors’ financial contributions to The College are guaranteed passing grades and a successful graduation, regardless of their demonstrated level of academic distinction, as long as our modest academic requirements are met. A firm belief in Affirmative Action ensures that the children of millionaire entrepreneurs can compete with those of multi-billionaire CEOs for admission to our programs. Competition is out - all classes operate on the principles of rote memorization, effective use of volume as a vehicle for prevailing in debate, and the careful selection and parsing of references, and do not require routine class attendance or participation which might negatively impact fraternity/sorority participation or recreational travel.

Funding for STUPID is provided by the taxpayers of the United States through their generous support of bailouts for struggling banks, brokerage firms, and non-competitive industries, which trickles up to the 1% level to ensure a quality conservative education for all who are worthy of it. You will note that not many courses are offered in our degree program in Ultra-Conservative Arts and Sciences. This is because there is no need for you to think independently or master complex course material: all the knowledge needed by a true Conservative was discovered long ago and is readily available from such trustworthy and clearly-infallible sources as The Rush Limbaugh Show and any program on Fox News.

P116 (C) – The Trickle-Down Theory of Quantum Mechanics.
Course applies fundamental conservative principles to the concepts of matter and energy. Students will gain an understanding of how more highly charged states of matter increase the energy potential of matter existing at lower states. At the conclusion of this course, students will be able to explain with a straight face how undesirable matter can be transformed from lead into gold, using the packaging of subprime mortgages and the minimization of taxes on business and the wealthy as case studies.

P221 (C) – Liberal Bias in Science, Technology, the Arts, and Everything Else.
This is only a one-credit course because the liberal bias in every aspect of society is so blatant that it requires little academic effort to address it. Students may substitute enraged comments posted to online news stories with which the student disagrees for the optional term paper. Extra credit is given for use of proper spelling and punctuation.

P250 (C) - Space Occupation Theory - a Conservative Approach
Examines conservative approaches to the traditional theory that two particles of matter can not occupy the same space at the same time. This course applies conservative theories to conclusively demonstrate that the physical space already owned and occupied by matter cannot be "occupied" by less desirable elements. Students are required to provide their own pepper spray, tasers, plastic flex-cuffs, and subpoenas. Contact the instructor for the location of the class.

P287 (C) – Wind as an Alternative Source of Energy.
Course will examine the harnessing and exploitation of wind as a vehicle for the generation and maintenance of power. Wind will be provided by visiting professors McConnell, Boehner, and Cantor from the Kentucky, Ohio, and Virginia campuses, and by adjunct professor Gingrich of no fixed address.

P326 (C) - Creative Cognitive Dissonance.
Students will learn techniques of applying deeply-held conservative principles to the denial of unpleasant facts. Course material will include new and creative approaches to rationalizing trickle-down economic theory and creatively denying climate change.

If you have deeply-held beliefs matched by a fervent desire to close out opposing opinions, the STUPID College of Ultra-Conservative Arts and Sciences is reaching out to you! Enroll now!

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

P.C. Physics

I seem to have broken the code on getting large numbers of comments on my blog: I should either discuss applied physics (as in yesterday's discussion of the physics of cartoons), on include an exciting illustration (as in my discussion of The Degree of Gasp). Sadly for my male readers, though, my sense of social responsibility prevents me from putting up more gasp-inducing illustrations - I don't want to be responsible for the potential coronaries of any of my more ... er ... senior readers.

So let's get back to physics, shall we?

It has always struck me as odd that we (or at least, some of the more bizarre of us) can take pure, basic science and either twist it into something religious (creation "science" and "intelligent design", for example) or use it as a cudgel to percussively advance a political or economic agenda (such as politically-charged discussion of climate change). Science can also be tortured into the realm of political correctness, as in Nazi Germany's denigration of "Jewish science" or today's tendency to claim that every significant scientific discovery was made not by some (insert scorn) dead white European, but by a deliberately-unrecognized member of an oppressed ethnic or religious group.

In the interest of both continuing our discussion of applied physics and helping you ensure political correctness of scientific thought, I have once again dug deep into the Blog Fodder file to retrieve (and, of course, update) this set of courses which will help you think properly on the left side of the current sociopolitical divide. We'll do the same for the right side tomorrow ...

Current Course Catalog

of the

Scientific and Technical University for Politically Intelligent Development (STUPID)

Part 1: Course Offerings of the College of Ultra-Liberal Arts and Sciences

About STUPID and the College of Ultra-Liberal Arts and Sciences: We are an equal opportunity university college specializing in higher-order thinking skills that provide students with raised consciousness, empowerment, and self-esteem. We are especially proud of our inclusionary policies which empower all members of society, regardless of differences in ability and background. For example, we were the first university in North America to ensure that every traffic sign on campus was not only printed in at least five non-European languages, but is also marked in Braille. We are proud of our diversity and require gender and ethnic diversity from every student. All students accepted to STUPID are guaranteed passing grades and a successful graduation, regardless of the degree of academic distinction displayed. All students applying to STUPID are guaranteed admittance as long as our modest tuition requirements and entrance fees are paid - and we work hard to help students get the federal and state grants they deserve to attend our university. Competition is out - all classes operate on the principles of cooperative learning, self-directed learning, learning-to-learn, and active learning. This is facilitated by our well supplied computer and multimedia labs, now equipped with Wii, X-Box, Play Station 3, and Enhanced Super Nintendo to offer you the ultimate adventure in modern education.

Funding for STUPID is generously provided by the taxpayers of the United States. Most of our budget comes from the $80 million a year our newly founded Medical College receives from the U.S. government to not produce any more physicians. Our Department of Physics also receives $10 million a year in Federal grants to not produce any physicians.

P101 - PC Freshman Physics: Toward a Higher Awareness.
Traditional Eurocentric physics must be excised if students are to achieve higher consciousness. The restrictive ideology of Newton, with its emphasis on action and reaction, is exposed as reactionary propaganda, used for centuries to oppress people and institutionalize fear and hate. The prohibitive, traditional “laws” of physics must be rejected in favor of new models that foster tolerance, empowerment, and social justice. Under the old order, radical conservative forces have imposed “conservative” laws restricting the use of energy, mass, momentum, and electrical charge. Rather than conserving such forces and powers, they must be increased and made available to all people, regardless of race, gender, or sexual orientation. Students are instructed in the revolutionary New Physics and are encouraged to promote awareness through demonstrations and other media events.

P115 - Contributions of the Vertically Challenged in Physics.
Startling new evidence confirms that most great physicists were vertically challenged (or “short,” as bigots are wont to say). Unfortunately, repressive social norms forced many scientists to strive to appear vertically gifted in order to maintain credibility with the masses. Some never publicly came out about their true vertical orientation, but were still privately active in the vertically challenged subculture. This course examines how the vertical advantage of Newton, Galileo, Einstein, Bohr, and many others contributed to their success as scientists.

P116 - Quantum Mechanics: Contributions of Indigenous Peoples.
Most textbooks on physics, written by the ruling Eurocentric white male class, have completely ignored the fundamental contributions of indigenous peoples toward our understanding of quantum mechanics. This course seeks to rectify past wrongs by focusing on the achievements in quantum mechanics of peoples such as the Aleutian Indians, the Australian Aborigines, and Karen tribes of Thailand. Extra credit and reduced homework loads are available to members of oppressed groups.

P221 - White Male Oppression in Nuclear Physics.
For centuries, white males have used the rhetoric and the tools of physics - especially nuclear physics - to suppress other classes. Bigoted labeling of subatomic particles, such as “negative” for the charge of the electron or “uncharmed” for some quarks, implies that some particles are better than others, which in turn is used to strengthen repressive norms of racial and gender inequality. Students will explore more holistic approaches to physics and learn how to turn physics into a New Age tool of class struggle to overthrow oppression.

PC250 - Space Occupation Theory.

Traditional, oppressive theory claimed that two particles of matter could not occupy the same space at the same time. This course makes use of newer and more aggressive "Occupy Space" theory to prove that the occupation of space by multiple elements of politically-charged matter can result in positive changes to the surrounding environment. Students are required to provide their own drums, tents, and bullhorns. Contact the instructor for the location of the class.

P287 - Feminist Cosmology.
The Big Bang model is exposed as a purely male paradigm, deliberately replete with male sexual symbolism in order to deny empowerment to women. A more progressive feminine cosmology, the Gentle Nurturing, is offered to replaced the male Big Bang theory. The Gentle Nurturing model views the origin of the universe as lengthy period of gradual gestation, followed by steady nurturing, rather than a sudden eruption. The male originators of the Big Bang theory are examined critically for their role in maintaining an oppressive order through the manipulation of physics. The new paradigm shows that we are part of an interconnected cosmic entity which must be further nurtured and protected from the harms inflicted by the radical right.

P326 - Advanced Psychophysics.
This specialized course for physics majors only teaches students to achieve high levels of cosmic awareness by tapping into the universal consciousness that engulfs us all. Such higher order thinking skills are developed by cooperative quantum reconstruction and self-directed neural empowerment sessions with the assistance of Tarot cards, Ouija boards, energy crystals, and altered states of consciousness. Students not only develop their psychic gifts, but learn how to effectively market them in fields such as Celebrity Counseling, Political Psychotherapy (including tips on White House protocol), and Forensic Psychozoology (using psychic gifts to identify corporations which have harmed protected species). Teaching assistants are available in the form of personal spirit guides.

P331 - Gaia, the Atomic Mother.
Past studies of Gaia as the self-regulating life force of mother earth have been too narrow in their vision. A new framework for physics shows that Gaia originates at the atomic level, where each atom is alive and connected to the cosmic consciousness, directly influencing universal karma. This breakthrough in human consciousness, finally accessing the astral energies of the atom itself, reveals the horror of man's sins against nature in the twentieth century. Splitting the atom, for example, is now seen as the ultimate act of violence. Our assault on the atomic world may account for much of the clash between man and nature, including the recent escalation in lightning strikes. This course will show students new approaches to life and energy to heal the wounds we have inflicted to the atomic world, including the damaged self-esteem to electrons and other particles afflicted with judgmental labels by bigoted scientists. Prerequisite: P221.

The STUPID College of Ultra-Liberal Arts and Sciences is a fully accredited non-profit institution of higher multicultural learning and an Equal Opportunity institution, working to provide equality and empowerment for all ... except for reactionaries and members of oppressor classes.

Tomorrow, we will take a second look at STUPID, with a look at Part 2 of the course catalog, which lists the politically correct course offerings of The Right. Be here.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Cartoon Laws of Physics

If you are of a certain age (like John, Mike, and I, for instance), you will remember the wonderful cartoons we used to enjoy in the days before travesties like Dora the Explorer. Cartoons that were funny. Cartoons that really made you laugh. Cartoons that made the understanding of abstract concepts like physics actually fun. From the Blog Fodder file comes this summary of The Cartoon Laws of Physics ...

Cartoon Law 1: Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Example: A character steps off a cliff, expecting further solid ground. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Figure 1: Suspension of Gravity

Cartoon Law 2: Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.

Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the “stooge's surcease.”

Cartoon Law 3: A body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the “silhouette of passage,” this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

Figure 2: A Silhouette of Passage

Cartoon Law 4: The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law 5: All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law 6: As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A “wacky” character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Figure 3: A Cloud of Altercation

Cartoon Law 7: Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law 8: Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Cartoon Law 8, Corollary A: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law 9: Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Cartoon Law 10: For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

Cartoon Law 11: A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

Cartoon Law 12: The laws of object permanence are nullified for “cool” characters.

Characters who are intended to be “cool” can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

Cartoon Law 13: Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and sooty.

Cartoon Law 14: Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.

The operation of these waves can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop: its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.

Cartoon Law 15: Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).

The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in “cool” characters (see Law 12, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.

Cartoon Law 15, Corollary A: The rate of burn on the fuse of a cartoon bomb depends upon who lights it.

For example, a fuse carefully calculated to burn at a specific rate such that the bomb will explode directly under a passing roadrunner will instead flash to nothing immediately upon being lit by Wile E. Coyote, who will experience a brief moment of wide-eyed surprise (the Ohno Second) before vanishing in a huge explosion.

I hope this summary of the cartoon laws of physics has been useful and instructive. I'm still working on an analogous list of cartoon laws of political activity, and am accepting nominations for such.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo