Ass Clown Special Award

We are halfway through 2026, and I have presented 17 Ass Clown Awards so far this year, three of which have been out-of-cycle Special Awards presented for ass clownery so worthy of recognition that it couldn't wait for the next regular award. Today, we present the fourth.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, we present this

Ass Clown Special Award

(with Poop of Distinction)

to

Secretary of Defense (Not War)

Pete Hegseth

Mr. Hegseth, almost certainly the least-qualified* and most bellicose Defense Secretary in history, has already won this award six times** (two of them shared*** and one a shared Special Award****). Since those previous awards, he has:

1. Eliminated the requirement for active-duty military personnel to get annual vaccinations against flu, claiming that it was "a matter of religious freedom and medical autonomy" and an “absurd, overreaching” mandate that had served to “weaken our warfighting capabilities.” The immediate, wholly-predictable result was an outbreak of influenza among Air Force trainees at Lackland Air Force Base that sickened more than 200 persons. As a result, the requirement for flu vaccinations for military trainees has been reinstated.

2. Directed military chaplains to no longer wear their officer ranks, claiming that it is incompatible with their role as "moral anchors of the fighting force" who have seen their roles compromised by “political correctness and secular humanism,” that changed and watered down roles “until they were viewed by many as nothing more than therapists.” He also doesn't consider them true "warfighters^†," although chaplains have earned 9 Medals of Honor, as well as (since World War I) 26 Distinguished Service Crosses, 1 Navy Cross, 45 Silver Stars, and 719 Bronze Stars for Valor^††, not to mention many thousands of Purple Hearts.

And,

3. Forced out the widely-respected commander of U.S. Army Europe and Africa, General Chris Donahue, the latest of more than two dozen largely black or female generals and admirals to be pushed out of their jobs or denied promotion as part of Mr Hegseth's perception of the malign influence of DEI on military promotions and assignments.

I will not belabor the point of Mr Hegseth's manifest unfitness for his position by reiterating the material already covered in his previous awards. Suffice it to say that the three latest examples are clearly worthy of the recognition implicit in a Special Award.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, we present an Ass Clown Special Award with Poop of Distinction to Secretary of Defense (Not War) Pete Hegseth, who substitutes personal prejudices, rage, and bellicosity for the leadership and care for the soldiers, sailors, airmen, and guardians we deserve to expect from one in his position. 

Have a good day. As with all things in Der Furor's regime, demand more, but expect less.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* The job of Secretary of Defense (Not War) requires a level of military experience at multiple levels of command, extensive experience in managing large organizations, and the ability to understand and work within economic and diplomatic structures that require the ability to understand and, when necessary, accommodate the political and diplomatic needs of America's allies. Given that I retired from the Air Force as a Lieutenant Colonel after 23 years of service, including command and staff experience and management of intelligence programs with various allies, I'm probably at least as qualified to be SecDef (NW) as Mr. Hegseth (who left the Army as a major) ... and I don't consider myself qualified at all. 

** April 2025 Right-Cheek; March 2026 Left-Cheek; April 2026 Right-Cheek; May 2026 Right-Cheek.

*** September 2025 Special Award; March 2026 Right-Cheek, 

**** September 2025 Special Award. 

^† The term "warfighter" has crept into broad usage since the early 1980's, largely replacing the traditional terms "soldier," "sailor," and "airman' in official and non-official communications. It is intended to separate those who engage in actual combat from those who perform other duties. I personally think it's a stupid distinction, but what do I know?

^†† The exact number of awards for valor presented to chaplains since the Revolutionary War is uncertain, but likely numbers in the thousands.

Ass Clown Special Award

Today, we present the third Ass Clown Special Award of 2026. I find it difficult to believe that I have to present this particular award, but such is the nature of our times.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, I present this 

Ass Clown Special Award

to

The United States Department of Justice

The precipitous decline of the rule of law in the United States during Der Furor's spiteful second reign reached its nadir (so far, at least) this week when the Department of Justice (DOJ), now a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Trump Organization, settled Der Furor's legally and morally questionable $10 billion lawsuit against the Internal Revenue Service. The settlement came after Der Furor dropped his lawsuit, apparently to avoid the risk that the presiding judge would find it meritless, in exchange for the creation within DOJ of a $1.776 billion* "Anti-Weaponization Fund" that would use taxpayer dollars to "compensate" those (primarily on the angry right) who claim to have been victimized by a government supposedly weaponized against them by the previous administration. 

The motto of the DOJ is "Qui pro Domina Justitia Sequitur." This is a phrase the department itself finds difficult to translate, but roughly equates to "Who prosecutes on behalf of justice." It's an especially enigmatic motto for this moment in our history, because it could mean either (1) "Those trusted officials who prosecute criminals in the interest of justice," or (2) ask the question, "Who is prosecuting criminals in the interest of justice?" Under the "leadership" of the execrable Pamela Bondi and her replacement, spinely-challenged acting Attorney General Todd Blanche, the second translation is more accurate.

For all the self-righteous, frothing anger from radical right, it is clear that the actual weaponization of the federal government has been undertaken by Der Furor and a GOP-led Congress too spineless to stand up for the impartial rule of law that has always been the great strength of the American experiment. The complete submission of DOJ to the whims of Der Furor was first hinted by the hanging of a huge banner bearing his scowling image on the facade of the DOJ building in Washington

but it was made crystal clear by the creation of a slush fund of taxpayer money to "compensate" his foot soldiers who ignored the law and the Constitution while trashing the Capitol Building and beating police officers with American flags during the January 6th, 2021 insurrection 

But wait! - there's more!

Not only has the DOJ agreed to hand over our tax money to those who imagine themselves butt-hurt by a big, bad government that had the temerity to prosecute them for actual crimes, but it has given Der Furor**, his family, and his businesses the ultimate Get Out of Jail Free card - 

Read paragraph C: 

"The United States RELEASES, WAIVES, ACQUITS, and FOREVER DISCHARGES each of the Plaintiffs from, and is hereby FOREVER BARRED and PRECLUDED from prosecuting or pursuing, any and all claims, counterclaims, causes of action, appeals, or requests for any relief, including injunctive relief, monetary relief, damages, examinations or similar or related reviews, appeals, debt relief, costs, attorney's fees, expenses, and/or interest, whether presently known or unknown, thatas of the Effective Date of the Settlement Agreement-have been or could have been asserted by Defendants against any of the Plaintiffs or related or affiliated individuals (including, without limitation, family or others filing jointly), or parties including trusts, parent, sister, or related companies, affiliates, and subsidiaries, by reason of, with respect to, in connection with, or which arise out of (I) any matters that were raised or could have been raised in the Case or the Pending Agency Claims; (2) Lawfare and/or Weaponization; or (3) any matters currently pending or that could be pending (including tax returns filed before the Effective Date) before Defendants or other agencies or departments."

 The Reader's Digest version of the above is: Der Furor is forgiven for everything he's ever done, and the DOJ waives for all eternity the ability to hold him, his family, and his business empire to account for any crimes they may commit in the future. Historian Heather Cox Richardson has elegantly discussed this appalling travesty of justice her Letter from An American of May 19th, 2026, and legal analyst Joyce Vance elegantly commented in her "Civil Discourse" Substack early this morning that

"The optics of this are so bad that it’s hard to believe [Der Furor] would expose himself to their consequences unless he really needed this deal. The protection it offers must be essential in some way we are as of yet unaware of. The Supreme Court has already given [Der Furor] immunity from criminal prosecution for official acts, but paying taxes, personal business transactions, and a whole host of other activities fall outside of the scope of that protection. And the unusual waiver of the government’s ability to pursue civil claims could cover a whole host of possibilities, anything from recovering unpaid taxes to suing for unpaid White House meals that a president pays on his own. Beyond that, there is the protection for virtually everyone connected to him—”any of the plaintiffs or related or affiliated individuals,” an incredibly broad provision."

If you, as a taxpaying, law-abiding American citizen, are not horrified by this travesty of justice and mockery of our treasured concept of equal justice under law, you are officially beyond hope and deserve what you get. I only regret that you are willing to bring the rest of us down with you.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, this Ass Clown Special Award, with the Poop of Distinction in Gold, is presented to Der Furor's Department of Justice. 

Need actual, impartial justice? Look elsewhere.

Have a good day, and remember all this when you cast your votes in the November midterms and the 2028 general election ... if meaningful elections are still allowed under the current regime. Der Furor is working hard to convince you that resistance is futile - don't let him succeed.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* Wink, nudge.

** Don't forget that the Supreme Court has already given Der Furor a pass for criminal behavior: "... the nature of Presidential power entitles a former President to absolute immunity from criminal prosecution for actions within his conclusive and preclusive constitutional authority. And he is entitled to at least presumptive immunity from prosecution for all his official acts. There is no

immunity for unofficial acts."

Ass Clown Special Award

I find it necessary once again to present an out-of-cycle special award for ass clownery above and beyond the call of intelligence and common sense. Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, without further ado, I announce this

Ass Clown Special Award

to

Attorney General Pam Bondi

Last Thursday, Attorney General Bondi grudgingly appeared to testify at a meeting of the House Judiciary Committee. Such appearances are intended to give members of Congress the opportunity to question various government officials about the activities of their departments, and for those officials to provide information Congress can use for its oversight and legislative responsibilities.

Her appearance was a disgraceful circus that demeaned both Congress and Ms Bondi and continued the present administration's emphasis on making the United States a laughingstock in front of the world.

She exhibited complete contempt for Congress*, relying on childish insults** and juvenile body language and refusing to answer any question she didn't like. You can watch the whole disgusting performance in the C-SPAN recording here, but probably the best coverage of her ludicrous clown show was done by the nation's editorial cartoonists, who probably thought they'd died and gone to heaven ...

I am, quite uncharacteristically, at a loss for the words to adequately describe the shame and embarrassment I feel as an American citizen at the behavior of the nation's most senior justice official. There can be no excuse for such a dismal performance. And I'm hardly the only one who feels that way, as this marvelous piece by John Pavlovitz proves.

I'm done, with Pam Bondi and the entire juvenile, arrogant, utterly despicable administration that has inflicted her and her like on our once-great nation.

Have a good day, and don't expect anything resembling respect for justice and the rule of law from this administration and its lapdogs.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* In the interest of full disclosure, I have contempt for Congress, too, but then I'm not the Attorney General.

** She came equipped with a huge binder full of them, indexed by Member of Congress, and had her assistants feeding her zinger lines on cards at appropriate times.

Ass Clown Special Award

In a year like this one (it's only February, for gawd's sake), in which ass clowns are springing up like mushrooms after a warm rain, I'm surprised that I haven't yet felt the need to present an out-of-cycle Ass Clown Special Award. Well, that ends today ... and with a somewhat unusual awardee.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, today we present an

Ass Clown Special Award

to

The Arc de Trump

Not satisfied with adding his name to the Kennedy Center ahead of that of President John F. Kennedy, to whom the Center is a memorial, razing the East Wing of the White House to build a gigantic ballroom, and gilding the Oval Office into a Wal-Mart Versailles, Der Furor has announced plans to erect a gigantic triumphal arch between the Lincoln Memorial and Arlington National Cemetery. 

The largest version of the garish arch, the one preferred by Der Furor and immediately nicknamed the "Arc de Trump" by many observers, would dwarf the Lincoln Memorial, being more than twice its height and interrupting the line of sight between Arlington Cemetery and the memorial ... 

According to a White House spokesperson, 

“The Arch is going to be one of the most iconic landmarks not only in Washington, D.C., but throughout the world. President Trump’s bold vision will be imprinted upon the fabric of America and be felt by generations to come. His successes will continue to give the greatest Nation on earth — America — the glory it deserves.”

As to how the arch will be financed, well, nobody quite knows. Der Furor has suggested that so much money has been donated by his sycophants and rich cronies for his White House ballroom vanity project that the leftover funds would pay for the arch. And if you believe that, I have many acres of prime Florida swamp real estate you may want to buy.

At a time when most Americans are concerned about the cost of groceries, the cost of healthcare, and the out-of-control violence of an unregulated immigration enforcement army, their president's "bold vision" is focused on a new ballroom and a triumphal arch twice as high as the French one*.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, this Ass Clown Special Award is presented to the Arc de Trump, the last thing the nation needs.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* The Arc de Triomphe is 164 feet high.

 

Application for a Position on the "Board of Peace"

Der Furor recently established a so-called "Board of Peace," originally intended to oversee the administration, reconstruction and economic recovery of the Gaza Strip, devastated by the latest war between Israel and Hamas. Later, indignant over not being selected for the Nobel Peace Prize and determined to prove that he is "The President of Peace," he published a charter which expanded the concept to envision an organization that would "promote stability, restore dependable and lawful governance, and secure enduring peace in areas affected or threatened by conflict" (the charter's full text makes no mention of Gaza).

The "Board of Peace" would be chaired for life by Der Furor, who reserves the right to name his own successor and approve all activities. Nations, organizations, or individuals could obtain permanent seats on it in exchange for a $1 billion contribution to a fund managed exclusively by - wait for it - Der Furor. As comedian Stephen Colbert noted, "Paying a billion dollars to obey Donald Trump seems a little steep. After all, CBS got to do it for just 16 million." Cheapskates unwilling to cough up a billion dollars could join for three years, sit along the wall rather than at the table, and receive a spiffy red baseball cap with the "Board of Peace" logo in front, "45-47" embroidered in gold thread on the left side, and "Chairman DJT" embroidered in gold thread on the left side.

If you have a billion dollars lying around, time on your hands, and a desire to rub elbows with your betters, you can apply for a position on the Board of Peace ... just fill out this application*:

Application to Join

the

Donald J. Trump

Board of Peace

THANK YOU FOR YOUR INTEREST IN MEMBERSHIP ON THE DONALD J. TRUMP BOARD OF PEACE. PLEASE FILL OUT THIS APPLICATION IN ITS ENTIRETY AND SUBMIT TO THE PERSONNEL OFFICE LOCATED AT 1100 S. OCEAN BLVD, PALM BEACH, FLORIDA 33480.

1. I ____________ (insert your name) hereby request membership on the Donald J. Trump Board of Peace.

2. Select the appropriate title for your present position:

a. President   

b. Prime Minister  

    

c. Ayatollah

d. Sheikh       

 

e. Oligarch

 

f. Supreme Leader

 

g. CEO

 

h. Trump Family Member

 

i. Trump Business Associate

j. Other (specify): _______________

2. Attach documentation of payment in full of your nonrefundable $1 billion application fee, payable to Donald J. Trump. Fee must be paid in US Dollars or acceptable cryptocurrency (list available on request). Your application will not be considered until your check clears.

3. Did Donald J. Trump win the 2020 U.S. Presidential Election?

a. Yes

b. No (stop here; your application is denied)

4. Attach a notarized copy of a letter to the Nobel committee demanding that Donald J. Trump receive the 2026 Nobel Peace Prize. Your letter should specify that a separate prize must be issued for each war Mr. Trump has settled (list available on request).

5. Provide specific examples of how Donald J. Trump been treated very unfairly by each of the following; attach additional sheets as necessary:

a. The Nobel Committee

b. The United Nations

c. NATO

d. Canada

e. Denmark  

   

f. The Media

 

g. Gavin Newsome

 

h. Jack Smith

 

i. Hillary Clinton 

6. I understand that my continuing membership on the Donald J. Trump Board of Peace is contingent upon remaining in good standing. Maintenance of good standing requires the following (list changes often; check Truth Social for the latest guidelines):

a. Immediate and full payment of all dues and assessments, to include Mar-a-Lago membership (if offered).

b. Demonstration of unwavering loyalty to Donald J. Trump. 

c. Confirmation of ability to exercise cognitive dissonance as needed.

d. Ability to modify opinions on social, political, religious, and moral positions to match those of Donald J. Trump. 

SIGN HERE: _____________________________ 

THANK YOU FOR YOUR INTEREST IN MEMBERSHIP ON THE DONALD J. TRUMP BOARD OF PEACE, THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS BOARD OF LEADERS EVER ASSEMBLED. WE WILL CONTACT YOU WITH OUR DECISION AFTER YOUR CHECK CLEARS.

DONALD J. TRUMP,

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

AND

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD OF PEACE

AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT

Act now!

Have a good day and stay warm. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* I got the idea for this post from comedian Andy Borowitz, who published a similar application. I have used some of his ideas for this post, but it is predominately mine.

Ass Clown Special Award

As you know, I usually present two Ass Clown awards each month - Right-Cheek and Left-Cheek - with a third, the On-Crack Award - presented in months when there are three Fridays available between our Great Moments in Editing and Signage Posts. Sometimes, ass clownery of unusual distinction requires me to present special awards outside the regular schedule, as I did with Der Furor and Pete Hegseth last month after their rambling and disgraceful diatribes to the Brass-o-Rama, and as we do again today.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, we present this 

Ass Clown Special Award

to

Attorney General

Pamela Bondi

Der Furor nominated Ms Bondi to be Attorney General after his nomination of former Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz to the position was laughed down. She was certainly more qualified than the execrable Mr Gaetz, and said all the right things at her confirmation hearing, winning her job by a party-line vote of 54-46*. She has since become less an Attorney General and guardian of the rule of law than a legal attack dog in slavering service to her petty and vindictive sponsor, and this is her third Ass Clown Award**. 

This was on vivid display earlier this week when she "testified" before the Senate Judiciary Committee, where she angrily stonewalled questions about her job performance, turning them into sound bites intended to eviscerate Democratic senators who dared to question her actions. In one example, she snapped back at Senator Dick Durbin of Illinois, who had asked whether she'd been consulted before the decision to deploy federal troops to Chicago, saying, “I wish you loved Chicago as much as you hate President Trump!” 

When Senator Sheldon Whitehouse (D, RI) asked for clarification of her decision to drop the investigation into "Border Czar" Tom Homan's alleged acceptance of a $50,000 bribe, she ignored the question and instead attacked Senator Whitehouse, demanding to know why he accepted campaign donations from an associate of convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein***.

Senator Richard Blumenthal (D, CT) asked why Ms Bondi had not recused herself from a case involving a client of her old lobbying firm, Ballard Partners, and she replied: “How dare you! I am a career prosecutor. Don’t you ever challenge my integrity†.” 

After listing all the questions that Ms Bondi had refused to answer, Senator Adam Schiff (R, CA) remarked that "This is supposed to be an oversight hearing where members of Congress can get serious answers to serious questions," Ms Bondi replied, "I think you owe the president an apology for your entire career." 

Ms Bondi's complete and utter disregard for the oversight role of the Senate, coupled with her scornful and condescending insults and non-answers to the questions posed by Democratic senators (but not Republican ones) are beneath the dignity of the nation's top law enforcement official, and are a dramatic example of the debasement of public service and the disgraceful conduct of government officials who have mortgaged their honor, decency, and self-respect in service to a man who himself has no honor, decency, or respect for his office and his duty to the nation.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, today's Ass Clown Special Award is presented to Attorney General Pam Bondi - a woman who has debased herself and her office, and for whom we can only pray that the price for which she sold her soul was worth it.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* Senator John Fetterman of Pennsylvania, a Democrat, was the lone Democratic party vote for her confirmation.

** She was previously the Right-Cheek Ass Clown for May, 2025 and the Right-Cheek Ass Clown for June, 2025. She's quite the overachiever.

*** Mr. Whitehouse later said that a review of his campaign finance records showed that nobody by the name cited by Ms Bondi had ever contributed to his campaigns, and said that “Attorney General Bondi made up nonsense to avoid answering whether the White House border czar returned the $50,000."

† Her integrity could be challenged if it could be found.

Ass Clown Special Award

Today, September 30th, 2025, the Secretary of Defense and the President of the United States delivered back-to-back speeches to a hastily-convened meeting of the nation's generals, admirals, and senior enlisted personnel. These speeches were so awful ... so insulting to active duty military personnel and veterans and so frightening to our fellow Americans and to the rest of the world ... that I am compelled to present this out-of-cycle

Ass Clown Special Award

to

Der Furor*

and

Secretary of Defense

Pete Hegseth**

The stage was set by Mr Hegseth - styling himself the Secretary of War, rather than Defense, when he said,

"From this moment forward, the only mission of the newly restored Department of War is this: warfighting, preparing for war and preparing to win, unrelenting and uncompromising in that pursuit not because we want war, no one here wants war, but it's because we love peace. We love peace for our fellow citizens. They deserve peace, and they rightfully expect us to deliver."

His pious invocation of "peace for our fellow citizens" was undercut by the rambling, brutal, and despicable speech later delivered by Der Furor, who said that, 

"I told Pete we should use some of these dangerous [American] cities as training grounds for our military — National Guard, but military — because we’re going into Chicago very soon."

The President of the United States has just told his Secretary of Defense that the armed forces of the United States should be trained for war by being unleashed on American cities to combat "the enemy within."

Think about that.

A President of the United States who has never served a day in the military is recommending to his Secretary of Defense - who served in the military but never achieved the level of leadership, command, and management of those he now professes to direct - the use of the military against American citizens in American cities.

I read an interesting piece on the Internet a few minutes ago that is worth paraphrasing here. If we assume that the average time in service of a general or flag officer or their senior enlisted advisors is about 25 years, and that roughly 800 such individuals were in attendance at Mr Hegseth's and Der Furor's Brass-o-Rama, it follows that the audience represented twenty thousand years of military experience at every level of command. These professional military officers and their senior enlisted advisors spent a morning being harangued by a President with zero years of military experience and a Defense Secretary with about 15 ... none of them in positions of senior leadership and command.

It's hardly a wonder that such an audience sat stonily while men unfit to carry their luggage lectured them on perceived deficiencies in their leadership skills and military professionalism, and threatened to unleash them on their fellow citizens. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, this Ass Clown Special Award is presented to Der Furor and to Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth ... two men whose towering egotism, arrogance, and incompetence should frighten every American citizen.

Have a good day, and think very clearly about how you vote in the coming elections. Your sitting president wants to unleash the world's deadliest military force against you if you don't bend the knee.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* Der Furor has now received 19 Ass Clown Awards: 11 individual, 7 shared, and Ass Clown of the Year for 2015.

** This is Mr Hegseth's second award, having previously been the Right-Cheek Ass Clown in April of 2025.

Ass Clown Special Award

I wish I didn't have to present so many Ass Clown Special Awards, but difficult times call for difficult decisions. With genuinely admirable people thin on the ground, I could present these awards weekly, if not daily, and never finish skimming the chunks that constantly bubble to the surface of the ass-clownery cesspool.

And so here we are, less than a week after naming April's Left-Cheek Ass Clown, and I'm ready to tear open the envelope yet again.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the latest 

Ass Clown Special Award

is presented to

Der Furor's Obsequious Cabinet

It's long been known that Der Furor is one of the most vain and narcissistic of men, and that the best way to gain his attention and (at least temporarily) support is to heap praise on him. And that praise is best heaped by the people the Orange Airhorn has elevated to positions of responsibility to which most are scarcely qualified.

Just a day after Der Furor backtracked on a disastrous tariff policy that sent global markets into turmoil, cabinet members lined up to massage the his ego with sycophantic language that would not be out of place in a North Korean broadcast. Here are a few direct quotes from the meeting, which resembled a loyalty parade in a third-world dictatorship:

Secretary of Agriculture Brooke Rollins: “I think that what you have assembled in your vision is a turning point and an inflection point in American history. And so just being a part of that is the greatest honor, so thank you for that ... they [farmers and ranchers] know that your vision will move us into an age of prosperity for all Americans ... they are so grateful and really, really excited for your leadership.”

Kelly Loeffler, head of the Small Business Administration: "Mr. President, on behalf of America's manufacturers, I want to thank you for standing up to the Chinese communist party and fighting for our main streets, for our workers ... Main Street is grateful for you."

Attorney General Pam Bondi: “You were overwhelmingly elected by the biggest majority ... The Americans want you to be president because of your agenda, and the courts are ruling that you have the authority to determine how the money of this country will be spent. That's what the American citizens wanted, and that's what they're getting.”

Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick:  “They [the many unnamed nations he claims are trying to negotiate new trade deals with the United States] have come with offers that they never, ever, ever would have come with but for the moves that the President has made, demanding that people treat the United States with respect. We're getting the respect we deserve now.”

I could go on, but my barf bag is full.

One hopes that the members of this cabinet are as competent at their jobs as they are at kissing the Orange Airhorn's backside. One hopes, yes, but one expects little.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, we present this Ass Clown Special Award to the cringingly servile cabinet officers of Der Furor's second administration. If posterior osculation was an Olympic sport, they'd sweep the gold.

Have a good day. Demand more, but expect less.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Ass Clown Special Award

Today marks our second presentation of an Ass Clown Special Award this year. As I've noted before, I prefer not to present too many out-of-cycle special awards for fear of diluting their meaning and impact, but sometimes an individual's gotta do what an individual's gotta do*.

That said, Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, we present this 

Ass Clown Special Award

to

Der Furor and His Economic Advisors

It takes a special kind of twisted view of reality to claim, as Der Furor has, that "THE OPERATION IS OVER! THE PATIENT LIVED, AND IS HEALING. THE PROGNOSIS IS THAT THE PATIENT WILL BE FAR STRONGER, BIGGER, BETTER, AND MORE RESILIENT THAN EVER BEFORE," given that the S&P 500 Index has lost more than $2.5 trillion and the stock market is falling like a Russian from a 10th-floor window. 

And to heed the sage financial advice of Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, who urges us all to “Let Donald Trump run the global economy. He knows what he’s doing. He’s been talking about it for 35 years ... You got to trust Donald Trump in the White House." 

And to, as Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent did last week, threaten the leaders of other sovereign nations, many of them once staunch allies of the United States - "Do not retaliate. Sit back, take it in, let’s see how it goes. Because if you retaliate, there will be escalation. If you don’t retaliate, this is the high-water mark."

Maybe ... just maybe ... it isn't a great idea to let the man who sent six businesses into bankruptcy (including a casino, for gawd's sake) make crazy economic decisions for the nation and the world, egged on by billionaires with no concept of what their decisions mean for everyday working class Americans.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, we present a well-deserved Ass Clown Special Award to Der Furor and his Economic Advisors. You may be able to afford things like food and living indoors for the rest of this administration's term ... maybe even for the rest this month ... but I wouldn't bet on it.

Have a good day. Expect better, but prepare for worse.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* I'm saying it that way because I must now legally avoid anything that might hint at any sort of singling out of a particular sex, color, religion, nationality, species, or anything else for special treatment. The Orange Airhorn and his DEI police are on the alert, and a vacation in El Salvador is not on my bucket list.

Ass Clown Special Award

I try not to give out too many out-of-cycle Ass Clown Special Awards because I don't want to dilute their meaning and impact ... but I absolutely cannot let this one go by.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the latest

Ass Clown Special Award

is presented to

The "National Security" Establishment

of

Der Furor's Administration

In a staggering breach of operational security, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth and a group of administration civilian advisors planned and carried out a military strike against Houthi rebels in Yemen using the encrypted messaging app "Signal," which is not approved for use by government agencies. Worse, the chat group accidentally included Jeffrey Goldberg, editor-in-chief of The Atlantic, who went on to break the story after the strikes had taken place.

The reactions from the adults who are no longer welcome in the room were swift in coming. Historian Heather Cox Richardson summarized many of them in her latest "Letters from an American," posted last night:

Former commanding general of United States Army Europe and the Seventh Army Mark Hertling called the story “staggering.” 

Former CIA officer Matt Castelli posted: “This is more than ‘loose lips sink ships’, this is a criminally negligent breach of classified information and war planning involving VP, SecDef, D[irector of the] CIA, National Security Advisor—all putting troops at risk. America is not safe.” 

Former transportation secretary Pete Buttigieg, who spent seven years as an intelligence officer in the Navy Reserve, posted: “From an operational security perspective, this is the highest level of f**kup imaginable. These people cannot keep America safe.”

Rhode Island senator Jack Reed, the top Democrat on the Armed Services Committee, said: "If true, this story represents one of the most egregious failures of operational security and common sense I have ever seen. The carelessness shown by President Trump's cabinet is stunning and dangerous. I will be seeking answers from the Administration immediately." 

Armed Services Committee member Don Bacon (R-NE), a former Air Force brigadier general, told Axios that “sending this info over non-secure networks” was “unconscionable.” “Russia and China are surely monitoring his unclassified phone.”

This horrendous breach of security and simple common sense is all the more incredible given the number of Republican heads which exploded after the endlessly-trumpeted security incidents in Democratic administrations (remember Hillary Clinton's e-mail server?). Indeed, SecDef Hegseth in 2016 rhetorically thundered,

"How damaging is it to your ability to recruit or build allies with others when they are worried that our leaders may be exposing them because of their gross negligence or their recklessness in handling information?"

As you might suspect from an administration purposely staffed by amateurs selected specifically for their incompetent subservience to Der Furor, the immediate reaction was to wave the whole thing off. House Speaker Mike Johnson, for instance, dismissively commented that

“I’m told they’re doing an investigation to find out how that [Mr Goldberg's] number was included [in the classified discussions over Signal], and that should be that ... I’m not sure that it requires much additional attention.”

But, as Professor Richardson pointed out,

"When they [Republicans] were accusing then–secretary of state Hillary Clinton of such a breach, they called for firings, accountability, and perhaps criminal charges. Indeed, [Der Furor] rose to power in 2016 with the charge that Clinton should be sent to prison for using a private email server. 'Lock her up!' became the chant at his rallies."

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the second Ass Clown Special Award of 2025 is presented to the dangerously, amateurishly incompetent national security establishment upon which we depend for our defense. By now, leaders in Russia and China are likely running out of champagne corks to pop over their good fortune.

Have a good day. As usual in these times, hope for the best, but expect (and prepare for) the worst.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo 

Ass Clown Special Award

We've made it almost to the end of February without making an out-of-cycle Ass Clown Special Award, but the time has come. The horrifying implosion of the US government, the deliberate insulting and abandonment of our allies, and the complete destruction of our international reputation require us to present the first

Ass Clown Special Award

 

of 2025 to both 

The Republican Party

and

The Democratic Party

The Republican Party, once the party of strong defense and resolute international leadership, has become the cowed lapdog of a president whose shamelessly servile deference to Russian President Vladimir Putin and insulting treatment of our allies has utterly destroyed the nation's international stature. From voting in lockstep to confirm a slate of unqualified candidates for Cabinet positions to keeping silent in the face of presidential behavior far beyond any limits of honesty, legality, morality, and common decency, the GOP has squandered whatever honor it may once have had. It completely ignores two and a half centuries of constitutional government and rule of law to empower a wannabe king whose throne was purchased by his billionaire friend.

The Democratic Party, faced with the challenge of an out-of-control president and a GOP racing toward fascism and rule by an angry religious minority, has folded like a cheap card table. With the notable exception of outspoken leaders like Bernie Sanders, Chris Murphy, AOC, Elizabeth Warren, and Jamie Raskin, the Democrats are nowhere to be found pushing back against the most dangerous threat to the Republic since the Civil War. They have no coherent message and no strategy to counter the flood of outright lies and illegality flooding from the right. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer and House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries scarcely deserve the title of "Leader" as they flail in a helpless, reactive mode against a criminal, but strongly disciplined majority party.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, this Ass Clown Special Award is presented to the Republican Party, for its headlong rush to ruin the nation at home and abroad, and to the Democratic Party, for allowing them to do it.

I'm old enough to have proudly served in the military of a strong, confident, admired nation that has, sadly, been all but ruined by the major political parties. I weep for what my grandchildren will inherit.

Have a good day. Expect better and vote accordingly. 

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Ass Clown Special Award

In 1966 Dick Tuck, a notorious political consultant and trickster, was soundly defeated in his race for the California State Senate. As the results came in and his defeat appeared certain, Mr Tuck was memorably quoted as saying, "The people have spoken ... the bastards."

The bastards have spoken again, and so it is that I take a moment on this otherwise beautiful NoVa day to present an

Ass Clown Special Award

 to

The American Electorate

America is a nation where everyone is free to vote based on their beliefs, their conscience, and their susceptibility to fear, chicanery, bribery, and desire for religious and political dominance. A large segment of the population has voted its fears, and will take the rest of us along with it.

I have led a very good life. Part of it was the good fortune to be born into a loving and supportive family in a time of prosperity and optimism. I had a good military and civilian career and worked hard to provide a good quality of life for my family. I understand that many others did not enjoy my advantages and, in fact, may well have resented it. These people were easily swayed by a demagogue who promised them what they wanted and who enjoyed largely unchallenged freedom to campaign on a platform of lies and distortions.

The American Electorate has returned to office a man whose plans for a dystopian American future were clearly spelled out in the infamous Project 2025. Famous American journalist and curmudgeon H. L. Mencken once said, "Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard."

Well, they will.

I will try to remain optimistic in the face of massive evidence for pessimism. I will hope - against all evidence - that there will remain enough adults in government to temper the worst excesses of Der Furor's new regime.

But I will also remain realistic about the future, and so should you.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, I present an Ass Clown Special Award to The American Electorate, which has voted to return to power a man singularly unfit to wield it, supported by a party ignorant of the dark road down which it leads the nation.

Good luck.

Have a good day and try to remain positive. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Ass Clown Special Award

As my regular readers know, I generally present Ass Clown awards twice a month, alternating with Great Moments in Editing and Signage. Twice a year, though, the structure of the month allows for three, rather than two awards, and the current month is such a one - the On-Crack Ass Clown for May will be awarded on Friday the 31st. 

As you also know (and I shouldn't need to remind you), the proliferation of disgust-worthy ass clowns and the staggering degree of their ass-clownery is such that I find it necessary to present an occasional Special Award to keep up with the volume ... and this is such a time.

I had drafted and completed last Friday's award (to Florida Federal Judge Aileen Cannon) before two other extremely strong contenders appeared on the scene, and so ...

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, I hereby present a dual

Ass Clown Special Award

to not one, but two deserving ass clowns:

Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito

and

Harrison Butker

Let's discuss them one at a time, shall we?

I find it very distressing to note that I have presented three consecutive awards to members of the Supreme Court and federal judiciary. In a nation that prides itself on the fantasy of the impartial rule of law, a depressing number of the nation's judges have put politics and partisanship above the fair administration of justice. So it is with Justice Samuel Alito, one of the most stridently and arrogantly conservative members of a bench stacked with rigidly conservative jurists. In a story broken last week by the Washington Post, it was revealed that Justice Alito - while the Supreme Court was dealing with the fallout from the January 6th, 2021, assault on the Capitol by Der Furor's mob - flew an upside-down U.S. flag in front of his home. An upside-down flag is a recognized symbol of a nautical vessel in distress, as well as a symbol widely used by Der Furor's partisans to show their belief that the 2020 election was "stolen." In true modern fashion, when the storm over this action broke, Justice Alito blamed it on his wife and refused calls to recuse himself from cases dealing with Der Furor and the events of January 6th.

Our second special awardee is a football player named Harrison Butker who, in a 20-minute commencement speech at Benedictine College* in Kansas, said most of the women receiving degrees were probably more excited about getting married and having children, and that some Catholic leaders were “pushing dangerous gender ideologies onto the youth of America.” He went on to say that “I think it is you, the women, who have had the most diabolical lies told to you,” and that “Some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world, but I would venture to guess that the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world." One wonders whether a young woman who has invested in a college education shares Mr Butker's misogynistic view of the role of women in modern America.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, I hereby present two tinfoil and toilet paper crowns as Ass Clown Special Awards: one to Star Chamber Supreme Court Associate Justice Samuel Alito and the other to Handmaid's Tale spokesman Harrison Butker. 

I really can't make this stuff up.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming. 

Bilbo

* A private Catholic liberal arts college.