Cartoon Saturday

And here we go ...

Maria Shriver has filed for divorce from Arnold Schwarzenegger, citing "irreconcilable differences" (probably having something to do with the child he fathered with a woman on his staff ... so to speak); Moammar Gadafi Khadaffi Qadhafi He Who Shall Not Be Spelled continued his audition for the hit series Survivor: Libya by threatening to "take the war to Europe;" the state of Minnesota has closed (yes, really) because its Republican and Democratic lawmakers could not agree on a budget; your elected reprehensives in Congress continued to blame each other for intransigence and pee in each other's budgetary cornflakes as the nation slides deeper into economic crisis; and Congress actually did do something worthwhile this week, confirming General David Petraeus as the director of the CIA (his experience negotiating with squabbling Afghan factions will be useful in dealing with Congress).

After a week like this, we all really need a big dose of Cartoon Saturday.

Turnabout is fair play ...

It would drive anybody to the psychiatrist ...

I guess there are rites of passage even for teenage robots ...

Inside Republican attempts to find a new strategy to take your mind off the economy before the 2012 presidential election ...

And speaking of the economy ...

And then there's the new business model ...

No other comment needed on this one ...

There's Muzak, and there's Muzak ...

And speaking of music ...

Finally for this week's Cartoon Saturday, a look at why linguistic purists have gray hair ...

Oh, and before I forget, why not cruise on over to A Little Night Music and wish Andrea a happy birthday.

It looks as if, at least here in Northern Virginia, it's going to be a very hot and sunny Fourth of July weekend. If you plan on celebrating the holiday with fireworks at home, please do it safely ... I prefer you all to have all the fingers you're supposed to have. And for pete's sake, don't drink and drive.

Have a great day and a safe and fun-filled holiday weekend. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Happy Birthday, ZIP Codes!

From the massive collection of useless historical trivia maintained for your benefit by Uncle Bilbo (think of me as your personal cloud) ...

ZIP codes were introduced by the post office on this day in 1963. "ZIP" is an acronym meaning "Zone Improvement Plan," and "ZIP codes" were intended to make the sorting and delivering of mail more efficient. In the early days of mail delivery, letters were simply addressed to a particular city ("Pittsburgh, PA," for instance), but as the country grew, cities were divided into numbered "postal zones" (I grew up in "Pittsburgh 37, PA"). With the introduction of ZIP codes, my old homestead became "Pittsburgh, PA 15237."

There was even a mascot - "Mr Zip," or "Zippy: -

And cartoon heroes were enlisted to encourage everyone to use ZIP codes -

You read a basic ZIP code this way: the first three digits represent the part of the country the mail is going to, and the last two identify the post office within that region. In 1983, the U.S. Postal Service introduced "ZIP + 4," which added a hyphen and four additional digits to the end of the current ZIP code to speed things up even more. The first two digits of the "plus four" stand for a specific group of streets or cluster of large buildings, and the last two zoom in still further, narrowing the address down to one side of the block or even one floor in a large building. You can look up the ZIP+4 code for any address here, and you can look up the location and boundaries of particular ZIP codes on this interactive map.

ZIP codes start with zero in the Northeast and get bigger as one moves south and west. There are more than 42,000 ZIP codes in the United States.

And now you know the whole story, so go out there and win one for the Zipper ...

Have a good day and a safe Fourth of July weekend ... see you tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday.

Bilbo

Sing It, Baby!

Three-for-three on this week so far. If it were a fish, I'd have thrown it back.

But life goes on and so does my search for something funny to distract me. How about some actual country song titles? I've seen many versions of this list over the years, and Miss Cellania ran this one today ... here you go ...

1. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye!

2. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself or Go Bowling.

3. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life,Then Number Two On You.

4. I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don’t Run - So We’re Even.

5. Mamma Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head).

6. If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me.

7. She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles.

8. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?

9. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You.

10. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

11. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Getting’ Better.

12. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win.

13. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight.

14. I’m So Miserable Without You; It’s like Having You Here.

15. I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin’ On My Back And Cryin’ Over You.

16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now.

17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus.

18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.

19. Please Bypass This Heart.

20. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

21. She Got the Gold Mine and I Got the Shaft.

22. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.

23. I'd Rather Have a Bottle In Front of Me Than a Frontal Lobotomy (this may not actually be a real song, but it's a real quote, attributed to many people including W. C. Fields, Tom Waits, and Dorothy Parker).

24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.

25. Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goalposts of Life.

Yee, hah!

Have a good day. Sing the body electric. Or wind or solar or gas, whatever. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The New Laws of the Workplace

This week is now officially two-for-two on the suck meter. I shouldn't complain, because I have a job and many other people don't, but it's still depressing ... and others in my office have it much worse than I do.

Feeling sorry for me yet? I didn't think so. (Mike, insert snarky "ha-ha-I'm-retired" comment here)

Speaking of Mike, according to his comment on yesterday's post, he evidently had a hard time accessing my blog for much of the day. Did anyone else have any trouble? Don't answer if you still can't access the blog and, thus, aren't able to read this.

But back to business: here, from my vast collection of Blog Fodder, is a good summary of the new laws of the workplace:

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

The difference between a pat on the back and a kick in the butt is only a few inches.

Don't be irreplaceable ... if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before ... unless you are wealthy and contribute to political campaigns.

The more junk you put up with, the more junk you are going to get. (Corollary: your reward for doing a good job is the opportunity to do more, on a shorter deadline.)

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. (This is absolutely true ... trust me.)

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. (Unfortunately, this doesn't work well any more because pollution and global warming is killing off the toads.)

When the boss talks about improving productivity, he's not referring to him (or her-) self.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." (It's true ... that's how our office file plan works.)

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. These errors will be so obvious that the recipient of the letter will automatically think you are an idiot and disregard the actual content of the letter.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. (Corollary 1: the person designated to attend a pop-up meeting is the one who can be spared at the time. Corollary 2: that person is the one least-qualified to attend. Corollary 3: the pop-up meeting will turn out to be critically important.)

The amount of time you will be given to review and comment on a document is inversely proportional to its criticality. (Corollary: If you have five working days to review a document, the actual amount of time you will get is fifteen minutes, because the rest of the time is needed for everyone above you in the chain to review and comment on the work you did.)

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. (Brenda, this is for you!)

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. (I've got that one down pat.)

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" (Agnes's Corollary: "Just shoot 'em!")

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

That's all for now. Time to go back to work for more fun.

Yee-hah!

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Toasters

Well, if yesterday was any indication, this week is going to suck like a top-of-the-line Electrolux. I need funny. Happily, the beloved Miss Cellania has come through with this take on the features of toasters manufactured by the people who brought you computers (and other products) ...

If Oracle made toasters, they'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters, they would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If IBM made toasters, they would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters, you could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters, the staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Thinking Machines made toasters, you would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

A toaster made by Cray would cost $16 million, but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

A toaster manufactured by The Rand Corporation would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. The service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the toaster would be highly classified government documents. Fringe would have an episode about it.

A toaster from the National Security Agency would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to access your toast for reasons of national security. The toaster would have to be kept in a special safe in your basement and you would have to pass a lie detector test and have a top secret security clearance in order to eat your toast. Uneaten pieces of toast would have to be completely burned and the ashes scattered.

ToastMan, the Sony toaster, would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, and could be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters, they would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting slices of baguettes.

If Fisher-Price made toasters, "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread, which would pop up like a Jack-in-the-box when it was done.

If Microsoft made toasters, every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a new toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster 7 wouldweigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. You wouldn't be able to toast any bread until you entered a 25-character activation code, and the toaster would occasionally, without warning, stop making toast until you turned it off and turned it back on again. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

A toaster manufactured by Apple would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.

Hope this clears it all up for you. Uncle Bilbo raises a toast to all of you in hopes of a better week than yesterday would lead him to expect.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Something to Read

I stumbled on this wonderful Time Magazine article by Fareed Zakaria over the weekend: How Today's Conservatism Lost Touch with Reality. It says everything that people like me - fundamentally conservative, but appalled at the shameful behavior of today's Republican party - believe.

Nobody can possibly disagree that government spending is greatly out of line with revenue (what we used to call taxes, but that makes Republicans' heads explode, so we can't say the word any more). Simply raising taxes to increase revenue without responsibly reducing government spending is as stupid as the Republican approach of slashing responsible regulations on business and industry and cutting taxes on the wealthy while throwing everyone not in the upper classes under the proverbial bus with huge spending cuts that, in many cases, amount to a - dare I say it? - tax increase on the lower classes.

Time to get real, Republicans. Read Mr Zakaria's article and think about what he has to say.

I know you won't, but it's one of the safer of the fantasies I have.

Have a good day. Think. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Just When You Thought Things Couldn't Get Any Crazier...

According to this article on CNN, "reality star" (aka, talentless, but beautiful and well-marketed bimbo) Kim Kardashian has had her fanny x-rayed to prove it's all-natural, unenhanced by implants.

Oy!

Let's see, now ... unemployment is high, the economy is in the toilet, Republicans are more concerned with sticking it to the Democrats, foiling the President, and remaining true to philosophical purity than with working collegially to fix the nation's problems, Democrats are well-meaning, but clueless and unable to come up with a coherent program, wildfires are scorching much of the country, the nuclear reactor crisis continues to fester in Japan, hyper-violent drug wars continue to ravage Mexico and threaten the American southwest, Islamic extremists continue to believe the path to an imagined paradise is paved with the bodies of Christians and Jews ...

... and CNN is reporting about Kim Kardashian's ass?

Granted, it's a very nice posterior of truly epic proportions, but don't we have better things to worry about?

And that's all I'm going to say on the subject. I only brought it up because I'm afraid of getting a little behind in my blogging.

So to speak.

Have a good day. More thoughts, unrelated to the gluteus maximus, tomorrow.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

On this date in 1876, General George Armstrong Custer made one of the world's premiere bad military decisions when he decided to attack an Indian encampment on the Little Bighorn River in what is now South Dakota; speaking of bad decisions, Republican majority leader Eric Cantor petulantly walked out of budget negotiations this week, insisting that it was now up to the President to cave in to Republican demands to strike the word "tax" from any discussion of the current budget crisis; today is the anniversary of the birth in 1903 of English author and journalist George Orwell, who would have appreciated Republican social and economic theories; actor Peter Falk, famous for his portrayal of disheveled, underestimated, yet shrewd and tenacious detective Colombo, died yesterday at his California home; and rising flood waters have forced thousands of people from their homes in North Dakota.

Yes, Dear Readers, it's been another week that cries out for the relief of Cartoon Saturday.

Budget reduction negotiations ... or petulant demands, if you're a Republican ... are big news here in Disneyland-on-the-Potomac this week. Everybody has an idea of what it will take to get government spending under control and in line with income (can't say taxes or the Tea Party will picket my house). This is probably the next feature of Republican economic theory to come out in the discussions ...

Nobody likes to pay taxes, but they do serve a purpose by providing the funds the government needs to provide essential services. Of course, we could do without them ...

It's easy to blame "the government" for all of our problems. Unfortunately, anarchy and total, uncontrolled freedom (or license) doesn't work quite as well for maintaining social order and providing services as far-right wingnuts would have you believe. Maybe there is a role for responsible, prudent government (not that the Republicans would ever admit it) ...

Cartoons based on stories and characters from mythology are often very funny. Here are three spins on the tale of Pandora's Box:

I've used this one before, but it fits the theme, so ...

Pandora was once a child ...

And she may well have had other boxes to play with as well ...

Here's a twist on one of the classic sub-plots of war movies ...

Earlier this week, Amanda blogged about her concern with her son's possible challenges with numbers. But he's only four years old, for pity's sake. His uncle Bilbo, closing in rapidly on the big six-0h, has his own issues with numbers ...

Now this is my kind of cartoon - it combines two things I love: steak and puns ...

And to wrap things up for this edition of Cartoon Saturday, we look at one of my biggest pet peeves ... and the sort of creative way I'd love to see it addressed ...

It looks like it's going to be a nice day here in Northern Virginia ... with any luck, I can get some much-needed yard work done, and a few inside chores done as well. And who knows? - perhaps I can even get in some quality, quiet time to read and write a letter or two.

Stranger things have happened.

Have a good day and a great weekend. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

May I Have the Envelope, Please...

You may recall that some time back, Faithful Reader Chrissy, the reigning Queen of Poop Stories who is routinely reduced to giggles when I use the term "ass clown," suggested that I start designating an "Ass Clown of the Week."

I thought that was a great idea, but have only done it once thus far - back on April 17th, when I announced that the first holder of that title would be ultra-worthy recipient Donald Trump. Since then, though, I haven't announced an Ass Clown of the Week ... not because there haven't been any good candidates, but because it's been too difficult to select from the enormous number of worthies who deserve to wear the crown.

But not this week!

This week, Dear Readers, we have an absolutely stand-out candidate - one who rises high above the festering swamp of mere mediocrity to reach hitherto unknown heights of ass-clownery. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the second recipient of the prestigious Ass Clown of the Week Award:

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (Republican of Virginia's 7th District):

Mr Cantor has earned this award through his amazingly hypocritical and petulant withdrawal from budget negotiations with the Vice President because those irresponsible Democrats, having agreed to trillions of dollars in spending cuts demanded by Republicans, insist on also discussing tax increases as a way of easing the budget crisis. Republicans, having painted themselves into a philosophical and rhetorical corner because of their absolute refusal to even be in the same room where the word "tax" might possibly be mentioned, and terrified of the hysterical Tea Party wingnuts, refuse even to discuss the issue.

Mr Cantor, attempting to shift blame for the budget talks breakdown away from Republican intransigence, called upon President Obama to weigh in, saying “I believe it is time for the President to speak clearly and resolve the tax issue." For those of you who may have difficulty translating Republicanese into plain English, here's what Mr Cantor actually was saying:

"I believe it is time for the President to yield to my intransigence and make the sort of concessions my party absolutely refuses even to discuss, much less make."

Mr Cantor, for your sterling example of political pigheadedness and clear demonstration of Republican disdain for compromise and negotiation, I bestow upon you the second Ass Clown of the Week Award. Hang it proudly on your wall - you've earned it.

Have a good day. Tomorrow is Cartoon Saturday - and boy, do we ever need it this week!

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Headaches

Yesterday my "Forgotten English" calendar mentioned Saint Acacius, a fifth-century individual said to be the patron saint of headache sufferers.

Because I live in Disneyland-on-the-Potomac and am exposed every day to the atonal cacophony that has taken the place of rational political discourse in America, I found the idea of a patron saint of headache sufferers to be especially interesting, and so I dutifully came home and researched Saint Acacius. Unfortunately, although I learned much about this worthy gentleman, none of it mentioned his efficacy in relieving headaches (although he was killed by beheading, which would give him some expertise with terminal headaches, I suppose). Saint Theresa of Avila, on the other hand, in addition to being the patron saint of my old elementary school back home in Pittsburgh, does turn out to be the patron saint of headache sufferers. Who knew?

I told you all that to set up this discussion of folk remedies for headaches, which was the point of yesterday's "Forgotten English" calendar page. Here are a few recommended remedies for serious headaches of the sort you can get from listening to Republican economic theories, Democratic social blather, nattering religious bigots, and ass clowns of all sorts:

1. Put leeches on your forehead.

2. Rub cow dung and molasses on your temples.

3. Tie a buzzard's head around your neck.

4. Use powdered moss as snuff.

5. Have someone else rub your head; the headache will be transferred to that person, but it will be less severe.

6. Have a relative read chapters of the Bible to you.

7. Stand on your head or spin around until you are dizzy.

8. Soak your feet in hot water to draw blood from your head.

9. Run around the house three times.

10. Ask a seventh child to blow in your ear.

11. Put a buckwheat cake on your head.

12. Rub your head with a piece of stone containing iron ore.

13. Wrap damp cloths around your head and burn scented wood.

14. Plait a handful of hair very tightly on top of your head.

15. Lean your head against a tree and have someone else drive a nail into the opposite side of the tree.

16. Put a potato in your pocket and carry it around with you until it dries out.

Interesting approaches. They may not work as well as that 500-count bottle of Advil you bought at Costco, but they're certainly cheaper. But keep that bottle around anyhow, because the 2012 presidential election is coming up, and if you think you have headaches now ...

And I'd write more, but I need to get ready to go to work and get started on today's headache.

Have a good day. More headaches thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo